M called me tonight and I am not certain we really made a lot of headway. He feels I am being too inflexible with scheduling, while I believe I have no say. I told him the difference between us is when I ask to make changes, it has always been to add time in, whereas he takes time out. I think he did see what I meant by that.
I did feel reassured that he loves me and wants to keep seeing me. He said when I get upset about scheduling, he feels like it is coming from nowhere, because he's in love with me and feels incredibly secure and that we have this strong bond. I told him I feel the opposite - I feel vulnerable and insecure, like he could drop me at any second.
He did say he doesn't like this drama, which I told him I disliked as well, but really him saying that just made me feel worse and probably less likely to communicate concerns. I told him that too.
D told me tonight he thought overall I have been very happy, and he is happy for me. However, because of the ongoing issues over scheduling, it is clear I need more face time, or at least consistent time, with M. He said if I didn't love him, he'd advise me to move on. Which is my own resolution, actually. But I do love M, very much so.
D says he believes M is being truthful - he does love me and doesn't understand the depth of my insecurities. D doesn't think I have cause to be insecure, because I could be dating someone much better than M. He likes M, but thinks I am dating beneath me. He also said he has always felt that way about himself too, actually. Silly man. Anyway, no way would M dump me, etc. because M thinks that too.
I wish I could believe that, but I don't see it. M is pretty fucking awesome. So is my hubby.
I honestly love them both intensely and completely, in no way thinking they are below me. Really? That is laughable. Sigh. He may just be saying those things to bolster me.
The good news is that next week M plans to get a replacement vehicle, finally, so he says he will be able to schedule things with more certainty. It would certainly take care of my issues of him being so far away and our scheduling problems.
I am hanging in there. I really do not want to end this. I just don't want to feel like I am his least priority. I mean, even if I am - just don't let me feel it.
My period did start tonight too, ugh.