That is really interesting - it is nice to hear I am not alone in this! I mean, I know I am not, but you know what I mean.
Today has gotten really shitty. M messaged me earlier, asking if I would mind if he spent Wednesday with a friend instead. He would still sleepover Wednesday night, but our entire date day for the week would be gone. This obviously has caused me some anxiety. We went back and forth for a while, but then he told me I was inflating the importance of it and he needed to do other things.
So, I showered, cried and then wrote out my feelings. I didn't send them though, because I am not confident I wouldn't get dumped. Especially since my period will be here any minute, so that means I could be overreacting. Sigh. I just sent him a message asking if we could meet an hour earlier tomorrow, so we could talk. He saw, but didn't respond.
Yeah, I don't know what to do with myself now. D is taking me out tonight after we drop our daughter at a sleepover, so hopefully that will help me to compartmentalize things.
Here is what I wrote:
Wednesdays are important to me. When you ask me to give them up to someone else and not reschedule the time lost, it makes me feel like I am not a priority.
I originally rescheduled my kids' therapy appointments off of Wednesdays, in order to give you Tuesdays with S.
Last week I was asked to give up Wednesday for S., but I saved it by offering Monday instead and driving to Glen Burnie.
This week I am asked to give Wednesday up again, but I am not able to recover that time at all.
I feel like I am not allowed to say no to these requests.
I feel like if I asked for the same consideration, you would say no.
I have said several times that one overnight and one full day are my minimum requirements in order to consider someone a primary in my life. I feel like when you cancel our main date day, you are saying you would rather not be a primary. This belief is increased dramatically when you don't offer alternative scheduling.
I love you so fucking much.
I cannot continue to make scheduling with you a priority, if I am not being given the same consideration. It hurts.
If I continue to make you a priority when I am not receiving the same consideration, I am doing serious damage to my self-esteem.
My self-esteem has recent enough damage that I can't handle being less than. In the past, I probably could have weathered it better, but I am not there now.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
I love you.
I need you to hear me on all of this.
I need you to show me that you consider me a priority. I hear you saying it, but I am not seeing it. I am not feeling it.
Yeah, I am at the emotional point now that I love him too much to want to cut him out, but I love me too much to continue to be hurt. Last week and this week - I kinda wanna reactivate OKC and find someone who 1-lives closer than 40 minutes away, 2-has a car, 3-has a place where we can be intimate, and 4-makes scheduling with me a priority.
I do know he cares about me though. When we are together, I have zero doubt. He is SO perfect, in so many ways. But when we are apart, shit, sometimes I feel less than the least person in his life.
Is it wrong to want more than that? Maybe my expectations for poly are set too high, even for polyfi.
Hopefully he can give me some time tomorrow so we can talk through this. I do not want to break up with M. I really do love him very much.
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