It just irritates me because our first counsellor tried to paint him in the same light. I see so many weak arse men, and I am grateful that he is not like that. Every one reaches a point where it stops being worth it or love stops being enough, or they grow tired of making excuses for poor behaviour. Basically, I deserve better than this BS.
I tend to be short when I feel like he is not listening to me for five minutes. Imagine five years of the same. I would hate me, too. He needs an outlet because keeping it bottled up is not the way to go. We do not need another day like in March, so if he needs to express himself verbally, on paper, or non-verbally, I hope he continues to find solace in that and forgets what others think of him.
It must suck to be in his shoes. Our counsellor asked who does he have to talk to about poly and any feelings surrounding it, and he was like, "No one." I found out why. He was never the poly one, so he has no support from that angle. He does not share the views, so there is a clash usually. He does not understand poly despite being part of a poly marriage. Mono minded people do not understand why he even married someone like me, so there is no support from them either. His friends try to understand, but he says they are little help. Of course he can talk to me, but like anyone else, I would imagine sometimes it feels good to release those feelings and work them out with someone other than a spouse or loved one. With no support from either side, it ends up coming off like he is venting. I have no advice for him on that. He tried poly support groups, and he said he felt out of place because he was the only mono person there, so he was unable to relate to what they were talking about. It has to be a hard place to be in, so I feel for him. Keeping him from shutting down and keeping everything inside has taken more work than earning his trust back.
I read a thread in the General Discussions that was started by Flowerchild, and it mirrored some of what he was saying last night. It made me think. She posed the question about wondering when or if a spouse ever had the right to step in and say something about a toxic relationship, and from what he was told, the answer was a resounding hell no. That advice blows my high because it is an inadequate fit for a situation like ours. Even if he had intervened and said, "Enough," I feel like the attitudes towards him would still be one of, "You should only be worried about your relationship and needs." What if his need was, "I need someone who respects my marriage and me?" Obviously that need was not going to be met. I need to ask our counsellor how in the world should we have handled that? I tend to believe the answer may not be as cut and dry as I believe.
Sadly, my own warped attitude towards him probably would have been, "He is trying to dictate my life, relationship, and threaten my happiness. He is bloody wrong." Realistically, I know he would never do anything to hurt me or threaten my happiness. I am now curious about what would have made that attitude the first response to him. With an attitude like that, he never had a fighting chance, and that is something that made me strongly re-evaluate how I come off towards him. For years, he probably felt like his wishes and feelings were inferior because he was the mono one in a poly world and "signed up" for this. He signed up to be part of a poly marriage and nothing else. I think we may spend years to undo what he has learned and picked up over the years.
I have had a lot of time to think this week, and admittedly, I am often not sure what to do or what to say. What am I supposed to say when he tells me the mono side lacks the ability to understand and the poly side swears he is just hateful, angry, mean, demanding, and cruel for wanting to keep our children away from Si? I have no clue where to tell him to look for a happy medium. He is not going to talk to another therapist about his most private feelings for an hour and a half every week. He does that once a week, and that is too much for him. I have no answers on this.
We have made progress, but we have a long way to go.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.