Originally Posted by drinnt
I want to validate your arousal issues. After 10 years as a swinger spent figuring out the connection between my brain pan and my plumbing I GOT IT. I now find myself in a quad, poly relationship with my wife and another couple.
Casual sex...I thought I wanted it. Before we met our quad partners it never really worked out for me except for a few times. The times it did not work out I was with girls I thought I SHOULD want to have sex with because they were hot...but if I had no "spark" with them then I would just fizzle and end up walking away disappointed and often obsessing on how well my wife was connecting with the man and I wasn't.
Then there were a couple girls I had a "spark" with that I would never have picked out of a line up based on looks alone...but the sex and connection was great! Along the way there was one girl I had both "spark" and initial attraction to. Now I'm in a poly with an amazing woman that I both have an amazing "spark" with AND powerful initial and sustaining attraction.
Anyway...what am I talking about? I'm saying that for me - casual sex was a no go. I realized that I HAD TO HAVE THE POTENTIAL "I could fall in love with this person" connection with someone to carry on any level of sexual relationship. It doesn't mean I needed to "go there" emotionally...just allow myself to feel the potential for that emotional connection simmering under the surface. Riding that wave, so to speak. Personally, I found through my current poly relationship that for the first time EVER I am learning it's okay to actually ride that wave into shore and fall in love with another woman. Something I could never bring myself to consider while swinging.
You might not be comfortable considering having sex with another woman that you were in love with because you think it threatens what you feel for your wife. I get that. It doesn't...but I get that. In fact when our quad was just starting out I really wrestled with the notion that I was falling in love with my girlfriend and wondering "oh my god, what if I fall deeper in love with my girlfriend than I am with my wife?" or "what if I fall out of love with my wife?"
What it came down to with me was EXPRESSING that fear out loud TO my wife and dealing with it. Through a series of many conversations and experiences and giving the new love time to develop WHILE nurturing my existing love with my wife...I found that YES I was falling deeply in love with my girlfriend...AND at the same time deepening my love for my wife.
In short, by communicating, having faith and being open...I arrived at a place where I am today. I love both of those women so very much IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE WAY. Over a few months my love for each of them became two distinct relationships where one could exist without taking away from the other.
So you may not have to give up the ghost on this one. Maybe you only need open yourself up to the POSSIBILITY that in loving TWO women there might be something waiting for you that you DON'T KNOW you DON'T KNOW...
Thank you for that. Maybe as I see what happens with my wife and any connections she may have, I will trust more that it is ok to let go a bit. Or maybe it is that my current lover is not what I am looking for.
One other thing that both my wife and I have expressed a bit of jealousy around is that of time commitment. My current arrangement lets me go out very late at night after spending quality time at home with my wife and kids. We value this time and it has helped us grow closer together again. But if we started getting connected to someone else in a more 'relationship' type of dynamic, it would pull at this important piece of our life together. Going out late at night, then coming home, is very much like having a FB, versus a boyfriend/girlfriend...