Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 09-27-2013, 03:37 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915
Default A Little of Everything

I am doing really well. I have babies on the brain. I really want another child, but I am not sure I want to carry him/her/them. The last pregnancy traumatised me, and I am not sure I want to subject a baby or my body to that again. I am in no rush. If we decide to expand our family, it will be in no less than 2-3 years, but we might have to use a surrogate. Technically, I had two C-sections last year. One in April for the surgery and another in June to deliver my baby. I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

The holiday is going really well. So well that we decided to extend it by a few days. Originally, we were supposed to depart on the 28th and arrive home on the 30th, but we are departing on the 2nd and arriving back in Oz on Friday, 4th October. I have loved being here with our mums and my princess. She is such a joy to be around and full of life and energy. This was the perfect trip for her completing her first term of school. My mum and MIL watched her earlier so I could have some "me" time. I have been having so much fun with the three of them that taking time to myself was unimportant.

Since the flights here were extremely long, duckie #2 stayed with DH. I have been waking up at 7a to read my baby a bedtime story. His face lights up when he sees me and hears my voice. He makes every day better than the last one. DH has been doing the same thing with my princess. The way we see it, there is no reason to disrupt their nightly routines, so we have been making it work.

DH and I are slowly but surely getting better. We had a counselling session two hours ago. We have covered all of the heavy and hard hitting issues in great detail. The scabs are healing and the skin is growing back. Si continues to be a pain in his bum and someone he cares not to talk about.

I hate the tags on my blog and want them removed. "Demanding partners" and "anger management" specifically. DH is not an angry person. He does not have an issue with poly or anger issues. He does not like Si. He is one of the most mild mannered, calm beings I know. Very sensitive, loving, tender, and he has a huge heart. He never yells unless it is at a sporting event. He gets passionate about American football. (We watch your Sunday night football on Monday mornings. Our cutesy bonding time.) He has never called me or anyone out of their name. In all the years I have been with him, he has never yelled at me or been disrespectful in any sense of the word. He has never told me how to live my life or how to run it. He is a good man and a keeper. It bothers me when people try to paint him out to be this passive aggressive, angry ogre with a raging temper. Please. The man has the capability to be softer than fairy floss. No, he is not a spineless, brainless, agreeable weakling who just goes along with whatever I say. He does step back, take time to figure out what is bothering him, and presents it when he is ready. He is strong, opinionated, and will not fall for any old spiel. The only time I have ever seen his anger spike is during the confrontations with Si. The second time she kept pushing and pushing because she knew his triggers. She was not banking on a reaction or him standing up to her, but she was in for a rude awakening. So he is NOT demanding and does NOT have anger issues. That is bullshit, and I will argue that down until the end of time.

I know he is having trouble adjusting to our new normal. He admitted his struggles tonight, and basically, he fears getting too happy with this arrangement. He seems to be of the belief that at any given time something will change it and take away this new found happiness. It seems like his emotions are detached sometimes, and I feel like it is a protection and defence mechanism, so he does not get his heart broken or walked all over again. He does have a wall up, and his guard is high. He still feels like he has to protect himself and his heart from me. I have every intention of removing that wall brick by brick, and I do not care how much time it takes.

Our communication has been impeccable. I have been talking to him multiple times a day. Lots of texting, flirty and romantic e-mails, some sexting, and nightly/morning Skype sex sessions. Generally, I am not in to masturbation, but a few glasses of wine and some encouragement did wonders. I have found that it has built up my body confidence. You cannot hide much on camera. I feel like the vixen and seductress in me is finally coming out. I have broken out of my shell, and I am confident with my sexuality. This should be an interesting journey.

I have decided that I want to avoid the black hole that is Si. I have too many concerns, and I do not want any stress in my life. My life is full and rich. I have forgiven her for myself, and I am getting on with this beautiful thing called life. I am happy and at peace. I have craved this for a long time. I cherish the time we had, and I sincerely wish her nothing but the best in life. I want her to be happy and go on to do amazing things. I just cannot put my family or myself through any of that again. I am done, and I have informed her of my decision. I hope that she will respect it and just let it be

I am about to go read/comment on some more posts and watch Criminal Minds.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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