date night (home with kids)
Today is not as easy as other days have been. AM and WI are on a date, which both really need with each other. I haven't seen AM in too long, and WI and I are processing so much of our past that none of us are really in the giddy space we've been in, at times.
Today is harder for me. My wife spent years fighting me about my relationship with EL. As a result, that relationship was held back (out of respect for WI, and fear that she'd leave me if I pushed too hard). I now wish I'd fought harder, but the effects are what they are - EL and I aren't what we'd like to have been, and the past battles weigh heavy on us. As WI has fallen in love with WI, I've often thought about how hard it was for me with EL, and how much simpler it is to have a supportive spouse, as WI does. I love that she's with AM, after all. But I'd really like her to see how she's changed and acknowledge how goddamn much she hurt me for something she now calls her own.
From a text I got, WI and AM are talking about me a lot tonight. That's good to know - since I talk to each of them about the other, it's nice to know that there's a three way symmetry of talking about the person who's not there, right?
So am I feeling left out, tonight? It's the sum of small things, but yes. I am. Sigh. Not that I begrudge them their time together. I just wish we were all together.
That's a thought for another night. The dream of what I'd really like to have. I wish we could be together, all three, all the time. None of this individual date crap. A new assumption about life - all three living together, kids intermingled, families intertwined and redefined. But I'm scared to say that out loud. Funny that I'm posting about it pseudo-anonymously in a public forum. I read about triads moving in together, but how does it really work? I have no clue.