I've decided to remove gender labels/identities/pronouns when discussing, or sharing things from my life. So some of the things I share here may feel chunky as I work out how best to do that. I decided that the gender identity of the people/characters in my story are not important to the story and therefor are not necessary.
I’ll start by sharing my early poly experiences, some about sexuality, and the configuration of my relationships (past, present, and future).
Ok So my LTR SO
(Kuroi) and I meet Freshman year of High School. This is before I recognized my interest is more than just the opposite sex. But I’ll get to that in a bit. High school had a lot of ups and down for Kuroi and I. A lot of turmoil in our teen years some was shared, and some was not. We did not establish ourselves as a couple right away, but many of our friends, classmates, and acquaintance recognized us as such well before we decided to call what we had a "dating" relationship.
During our second year as a "couple" we got split up, only 45 mins apart, but neither of us had a vehicle, so we were dependent on the adults in our lives. Since My adults were bent on keeping us apart, we ended up with a LDR over the phone relationship with the occasional meet up via school functions. During this period of forced separation Kuroi and I "dated" other people. Being teens these new relationships stayed non-sexual. This was not something we discussed, or expected of each other. It was just the nature of our personal situations. There was no discussion of rules, boundary's guidelines, veto's, or unacceptable practices. Completely unscripted, and unrecognized poly.
I was in my late teens when I moved in with Kuroi and his family. For the year preceding this life altering change Kuroi and I had been separated by several thousand miles. We were only able to see each other once during those months (almost a full year). Before I left for this very distant life away from Kuroi I proposed with a written poem. I believe my proposal was accepted, but no longer remember exactly what Kuroi said.
After moving in together other unpleasant situations arose some could be seen as poly relevant, but mostly they were growing pains. We were learning how to co-habitat, how to be adults and independent, and yet we were also discovering a dependence upon each other. We worked through these things together, the struggles we went through then, and the skills we learned at that time helped us to create what we have felt was a strong relationship.
Enter in legal marriage and parenthood. After we had lived together in harmony for a time I informed Kuroi that I was happy with the state of our relationship. I acknowledged that Kuroi did not want children (Kuroi knew that I did), and told Kuroi that if a time came where starting a family was wanted then legal marriage would have to be completed before our child was born. This was partly an old fashioned desire, that our child would have our last name, which requires marriage for both parent to share a last name (perhaps not required, but still a simple way to accomplish that).
So Kuroi proposed to me a few years later by saying it was time to start a family. BC was discontinued, heath insurance was adjusted, and saving increased. We became pregnant, and laid plans for a simple wedding at the court house. Some of Kuroi family and a local friend attended as witnesses. This occurred a little over a month before our due date.
In some ways the pregnancy was fun. Kuroi and I talked about the features we wanted for our child. Hair, skin, eye color, gender, including whose personality we wanted our child to follow, and whose brains the child should have. These kinds of plans were just idealistic silliness that do not in any way predict what would be (yes we knew this even then). They were what we indulged in none the less, and this whole experience allows us to tell our child (Momoiroi) how wanted, and planned her entrance into our live was. Not many children can say that, sadly.
I'm not sure where or when it happen exactly, but during our late teens, early twenties Kuroi and I heard about polyamory, we watched a couple documentary, read information in the still newish internet (I recall a site called Polyanna). We both expressed interest in poly, and our interest and discussion at that time would have us called "unicorn hunters". We wanted what I know now is called a Polyfi Triad. Another of those kinds of plans were just idealistic silliness that did not in any way predict what would be. We did not venture into poly land at that time, and after our child came along poly discussion ended. This ending to our poly discussion wasn't planned, or really talked about. It was the product of the new responsibility of being first time parents, and not being provided an instruction manual.
We did recently (in the last couple years) attempt a polyfi triad, although that is not how things began, nor is it how thing ended (or are ending?) It started out as an open V. By open here I mean that there was not a polyfi expectation. It was hoped for for later, and not really talked about outside of discussing the potential metamours the new relationship was bringing with it. In the end the V closed for a short time, but this only caused the Hinge to switch when the relationship style went back into a V. This was all done with no rules or guidelines from the beginning. There were boundaries discussed as things came up, but NRE blindness caused these to be transgressed. We ended up with Poly Hell things happening.
Unfortunately the blindness of NRE cause certain other aspects (red flags) of this new relationship to go unnoticed/unchallenged by the hinge. Now that NRE is over and these "red flags" and incompatibilities are being recognized for what they are things are really sticky. Attachments have been build, feeling are deeply involved. There are toes stepped on, respect, faith, and trust lost. So now to work out these kinks, and decide the direction of these relationships. Where will they go what will they look like? Is co-habitation still desired? Is co-habitation still feasible? What about co-parenting? Friendship, love, commitment?
To be continued . . . :P