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Old 09-25-2013, 09:12 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

No, we understand you loud and clear - don't worry about that. It's just that each of us has chosen to focus our responses on what stands out the most to us about your situation. Just because the answers you've been getting aren't what you'd hoped to hear or are way different from what you expected does not mean we have misconstrued your situation.

Your HETEROSEXUAL wife enjoys having the attention of other men, and she enjoyed getting that kind of attention in social situations with them. You felt betrayed by her friendships with other men because there was attraction and flirting going on. You think that the fact she socialized with these guys is a much worse transgression than your attractions to other women were, simply because you didn't socialize with those women - though you were sexting with them? So you and your wife talk and she tells you she wants you to be more loving toward her, but you feel like she doesn't deserve more than you give her now because she has these flirty friendships and that's just not right. So, instead, you think that, since both of you get excited about being desired by others, maybe you should have lovers. BUT, there is no way in hell you will allow her to have a boyfriend, so you propose to your HETEROSEXUAL wife that she share a girlfriend with you. Still, you think she might not really want that and is only listening to what you're saying in order to not make waves. So, you don't really trust her - but you think it would be cool to have a second woman to be involved with, someone who could love you both and help you through rough patches - so why shouldn't she? Oh, but you never thought about how your unstable marriage would adversely affect that additional woman, nor what she would want. Oy.

- - -
If you are serious about polyamory, you will have to accept the fact that your wife is STRAIGHT and if she wants to have a lover, she will want a MAN. I don't know why another penis is so threatening to you, but that is a moot point anyway, given that your marriage is just not strong enough for polyamory yet. The only couples that succeed in having satisfying polyamorous situations are the ones where they are strong in the foundation of their partnership, stable emotionally, trust each other, and are not stingy with their love.

There is a better quality of relationship she wants from you, where she wants to feel you deeply love her (obviously because she loves you deeply), but you are directing so much anger at her, simply because she had male friends she was attracted to, that you dig in your heels and will not look at how bereft of love from you she feels. You might want to accept that perhaps she was enjoying those flirtations because there was nothing satisfying in her marriage emotionally - everyone wants to feel desired. Each of you are 100% responsible for your relationship - you really think that finding another woman to be romantically and sexually involved with will do more good than sitting down with a therapist and examining the issues, each of you speaking up about what you want and what went wrong, developing greater intimacy and deeper levels of trusting each other, and making efforts emotionally and practically to repair the damage? Therapy with someone who asks difficult questions and offers insights with an aim to do all those things will do you a world of good!

Maybe some day poly will be right for you, but NOT NOW. Some couples take a year or two to strengthen their relationships before embarking on poly - that is not a bad thing! You have a relationship that needs healing and your utmost attention in order to do that. Adding other people into the mix - with their own needs, wants, dramas, baggage, psychological issues, and quirks - will only get in the way and most likely would be the nail in the coffin of your marriage!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-25-2013 at 09:22 PM.
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