Let me cut and paste some of your sentences into groups. Ok?
I am only willing to give her so much of myself because I feel she has betrayed me and violated my trust.
I know that if I give her 100% I probably wouldn't have to worry about her doing anything.
What do you need to heal the betrayed and violated trust so you can give her 100%?
So that both you and her can forgive, make amends, repair, and put things behind you so you both can relax? And both of you can be giving 100% to the shared MARRIAGE to get to enjoy this:
I do still love her and I believe she does me,
in a better way?
I just see it as (you F'ed me over and you want me to give you all of me so that you can be happy after you hurt me.)
What about your happiness? Are you happy right now? Do you not want to be happy after being hurt?
Do you not want your wife to experience happiness ever again?
Do you not want THE MARRIAGE to be happy?
How does holding on to the hurt help any of these move on to being happy? You, wife or marriage?
What do you gain from "wanting to keep it in the stuck?" Especially when you too cheated on the marriage agreements -- is it that you want to play "blame shifty" so you don't have to "own" your part in co-creating this situation?
We are at this stalemate where we both wonder if we are done (we both don't want to be, but something's gotta give.)
Well, if you both don't want to be done with your marriage... don't be! Start tending it!
How about not engaging in marriage damaging behavior like trying to figure out who made bigger mistakes? Are both willing to just let it go? Agree to say something like
"Fine. We BOTH made mistakes here and co-created this situation. Let's not merry-go-round who did what worse and keep it in the STUCK. Let's focus on moving it FORWARD from here."
How does holding back to "70%" help you move it forward out of the "stuck" and help support your marriage?
I would not begin new relationships with other people at this time. You guys do not seem to be managing a monoship well right now. Adding more players to change to a polyship? It is just more stress on a system that is already
struggling. This marriage needs more time and attention paid to it right now -- not LESS because you both are distracted cultivating relationships with others. Spend more time tending and cultivating THIS relationship. It's been neglected.
(And your potential dating partners deserve to be more than just "filler people" for you and wife to date and avoid repairing your marriage problems if you actually ever Open, right? They deserves healthy partners to date -- not broken people, right?)
I'd suggest buckling down and doing some soul searching. Again....
- What do you need from HER for you to become willing to give THE MARRIAGE 100% again? (Not her, the MARRIAGE.)
- What do you need from YOU for you to become willing to give THE MARRIAGE 100% again?
- What does SHE need from YOU to become willing to give THE MARRIAGE her 100% again?
- What does SHE need from HERSELF to become willing to give THE MARRIAGE her 100% again?
- What blocks you from being ABLE to give the marriage 100%?
- How can you both work to remove these obstacles in your way?
- How can YOU work to remove these obstacles in your way?
- What blocks her from being ABLE to give the marriage 100%
- How can you both work to remove these obstacles in her way?
- How can SHE work to remove these obstacles in her way?
Could focus on that at this time. See what answers you and she come up with and if that helps you sort yourselves out.
Hang in there!