Hitting the wall
So – crazy times eh.
Some of the shit that happens to me happens on such a seemingly abstract level that most of the time I don’t know if I can even explain it to people, or even understand it myself.
I am feeling fairly vulnerable today, emotionally stripped down and feeling a bit shaken after last night.
Basically S and I are into our third week of open relationship, and last night shit hit me hard. It went like this – I hit the fucking wall. S came to bed after staying up later than she intended, and she turned over on her side and got ready for sleep. As well as having to deal with the idea that my lady is not only preparing to sleep with someone else but was coming to bed without even so much as a touch between us, it just finally got to me and I had enough.
I got up saying, so this is how it is now? You come to bed without even a touch between us etc etc? And I stormed out.
Fortunately we were able to talk it through. She helped me to see more clearly than ever that for most of my life, I had been seeking self-worth through sex. And since being with her, with sex freely available for the last 15 years, I had invested all my self-worth in her and in our physical closeness. I had become fully reliant on her for sexual satisfaction (read self-esteem).
Also, I am currently reading a book about a recovering former porn star and substance abuser, and her harrowing story helped me see my own problem with total clarity. This woman had fully derived all her self-worth and confidence from using sex an sexuality to feel loved. And while I am obviously not being filmed having sex, nor am I selling myself for money, I was nevertheless essentially doing exactly the same thing by craving self-worth and love through sex.
S and I agreed that our relationship has been operating under a negative emotional and spiritual contract. Once we fully realised this, I led us in an out-loud, spoken declaration of our new intention to terminate our old, worn out and dysfunctional contract - one based on masturbatory, ego-driven gratification - and to create a new one based on love, on thoughtfulness and consideration for the other person. We then did a ritual cord-cutting visualisation – to which I experienced strong physical reactions in my groin area – and I immediately felt better. S then went to sleep but I got up, feeling new energy surging through me.
The rawness of having literally and metaphorically cut the cord quickly set in. I felt alone, and I was scared. I looked at our open relationship and felt it was absurd. How could I go on with things under these conditions? How could I cope knowing that she was being with other people? And how could I come home after being with someone else, and sensing that I could then not be close to the woman I live with and love, the mother of my child? Basically I was totally over-thinking it, having a massive insecurity reaction from having cut my cord of dependence on which I’d relied for so long for (external) validation.
I woke S up, insisting that we had to separate, because I couldn’t go on with this agreement. It didn’t take long for us both to realise that I was really having an ego-based reaction. We talked again, and soon realised that we still loved each other and were staying together out of love, not dependence. Also the toll it would take on our little boy would not be worth it! We both intuited very strongly that the effect on him would be too damaging and far-reaching to justify it.
We agreed once again that despite how my ego may perceive it, we are on a heart-centred path, not a lower, base path, and that really the only way forward and to protect everyone concerned - including even our families and especially our child – was together, while still allowing ourselves the freedom to tentatively explore new things.
I feel so thankful that we were able to talk through my crisis of confidence. Clearly this is a massive shake-up for me that I am still getting used to and adjusting to. Its exposing my most basic vulnerabilities, ones which I had been avoiding for the longest time. But I can also see and know that its an opportunity - to finally re-orient myself to start paying attention to me and the ways in which I need to develop my Self.
Me: A, male, 39.
Her: S, female, 36, my LTR of 14 yrs.
A and S both straight.
Ours: one beautiful 3 yr old child.
Relationship status: recently opened.
Mine: not yet
Hers: B, male, 38, straight. A past love interest of S (unconsummated, with close calls) recently back in S's life.
B married to K, both mono. B has only hints of our open status.
B would probably have an affair with S if she pursued it - she is very sexy and seductive
Last edited by CentaurGuy; 09-25-2013 at 01:02 AM.