I can see how it might help to take a step back from talking with your wife about the poly subject for a spell. She knows about your friend and your feelings and whatnot, so it's not like it's a secret. On the other hand, waiting too long to bring it up again might enable wife to "put her head in the sand" and believe the poly desires have disappeared, thus making it more traumatic when she finds out they haven't disappeared. So you have a fine line to walk here. How much of a break does wife need? a week? a month? Make it long enough for her to calm down, but don't wait for long after that.
I don't know whether this would help or not, but something you could do is start a blog in the Life stories and blogs board
. This would give you an opportunity to write out a stream of consciousness and give your mind some space to roam around in so you could put your thoughts in order. Write out how things are going, add some details that occur to you, and see if that helps *you*
feel a bit calmer and figure out what you want and how you could go about pursuing that desire.
In any case, taking a little break from the discussions with the wife would give you some time to think, so I imagine it would help both of you. This of course will only work if your wife is willing to put it on the back burner for a spell too!
Good luck, and keep us posted.