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Old 09-24-2013, 06:52 AM
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ColorsWolf ColorsWolf is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: CA, U.S.A.
Posts: 360

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Welcome! Sorry to hear you struggle though.

So... you are married and revealed to the wife you have loving feelings for your friend. Now you are fearful about losing relationships as you find yourself evolving/growing/changing.

You focus on the "losing" people. You do not state you want to have them in your life at this time AS WHAT?

Could stop focusing on your fear. And focus on the RELATIONSHIPS you want to be having with them.
  • You want to be married to your wife? You and her are married spouses then.
  • You want to continue being friends with your friend? You and her are pals then.

There. For all practical purposes nothing changed about what kind of relationship you have with these people.

For emotional management purposes? If you want to just sit back and enjoy feeling love for both?

Well, maybe the "for now" solution is to keep your love feelings for your friend to yourself at this time.

The friend doesn't need to know about them at this time if you are keeping that relationship as "friendship" at this time. Just because you feel crushy things or love things for a friend doesn't mean you have to DO anything about it.

The wife doesn't need to know more about them if you are sticking to a Closed Marriage at this time and hearing it just cranks her up. She already knows. There. Let it go. You don't have to keep sharing more details with her.

If she brings it up, close it off kindly, firmly and politely. "Hon, I told you I love her. But she's my friend, nothing is going to come of it and I want to let it go and just BE friends. Keeping bringing it up is not helping me to let it go. How can I help YOU let it go?"

You can keep on enjoying it to yourself, but help your wife let it go.

Is that where this is at at this time? Could learn about jealousy then and help wife overcome hers so she can calm down then.

Maybe these could help you understand what to do for your wife. (esp the page 5 and 6 things)

And poly hell feelings.

You are not in a polyship right now. But your wife may experience poly hell EMOTIONS anyway right now if she's working herself up in her head. Could address those types of feelings.

Could shelve any kind of "serious poly talk" about Opening with your wife til a LATER time.
  • She's not willing at this time.
  • She doesn't sounds like she has the skills at this time even if she were willing.
  • So it is moot to talk about it at this time. It is not the best time to Open, if your dream is to polyship with your wife as one of the players.

Could focus on what you DO have here at this time. You have a wife who is experiencing wigginz. Could help reassure her then.

You probably want to share emotional intimacy with your wife as you process this self discover of your poly self. But that doesn't mean she's automatically ready to hear it because it requires her to face fears of her own, and it requires her to update HER picture of you. Change is sometimes scary for some people. Even you. See?

We would all like to think our spouses are ready to hear anything from us at any time just because they are spouses -- but that is not necessarily true. It takes effort to arrive at that place with someone. Even with a spouse. Could clock the time building that sort of strong relationship with your spouse before attempting to polyship. Polyshipping has a habit of magnifying all the cracks. Even if you don't end up polyshipping, it could mean a richer, closer marriage experience with your spouse. So... could clock the time there and really invest in cultivating that relationship.

I don't know if anything I write about mono-poly could help you but it starts on post 6 in my blog thread.

I understand what you are saying, but this might encourage others to "keep it in the closest" that is "keep it a secret" and even suppress it even if they don't mean to.~ This could lead to some VERY unhealthy consequences such as self-hate and being completely miserable no matter how hard they try to assure other people they are fine.~

Some times you have to think about what's best for YOU, then think about others and how they relate to you.~

Overall though, I would say Kevin T. has it covered.~
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