"I have thought about counseling, she had also mentioned it, but I told her it had to be a poly therapist because I don't want someone who doesn't understand to sit there in judgement of me because I happen to love two women. Is there a website to help locate one?"
I know of three links that might help:
If all three of those links fail to do the job, you might consider vetting some "run-of-the-mill" counselors to find out how open-minded they are. Sometimes a counselor who has not heard of polyamory is still willing to learn about it and give it a fair shake. I have found my own best poly-friendly counselors by that seemingly dubious method.
It seems to me that your life and relationships are in a state of transition right now, and it is unknown how it will all look after the dust settles. Divorce is not a happy thought but not all marriages are meant to be for life, so just preserve your marriage as best you can without compromising your principles. If you and your wife end up separating despite all your efforts, try to separate as amicably as possible.
Beyond that, I just sympathize with your post in general and think you're already doing "the right things" to the best of your ability given the situation. I hope your continued reassurances will gradually penetrate your wife's defenses. I can see that she fears change and feels very threatened right now. I feel for both of you (actually for all three of you including your friend).