It turns out my last post was premature. Daley had actually fallen asleep and she was on the phone with Wineguy. I felt like a jerk. I need to trust more and keep my emotions in check better. It's one thing to be mentally ok with her decisions, but it's another to be emotionally ok. I've got to get better or I'm going to have to bail completely.
Susan and I skyped Friday night for awhile. She was really down though. Hard day with Wineguy. He's lost 40 pounds in the last two months due to the cancer. It's really awful. We talked about me coming to visit in November, so it was all good. We scheduled another date for Sunday night, though she said she'd be a "little" later than normal.
Then I got a wonderful message, on Saturday. Susan asked me to call and she invited me to a theater while I visit. I was so happy. It's the first time we'll do anything like that in real life. We went for drinks and a snack last time, but this is an event. Something to dress up for and be able to talk about after. I could tell she was a little nervous about asking, but I couldn't have been more pleased. It also meant she was reconfirming our meeting and picking a weekend (I had narrowed it down to two).
Hopped online later that evening, and Susan immediately invited me. I declined because I already had plans scheduled with [insert nickname here]. Susan has yet to comment, but she's gone really quiet since then. I don't know if it's related, but I have to assume it is. But that's what she wanted as far as I can tell. Maybe I was supposed to ignore her invite, but that goes against my nature. I didn't say I had a date, or I was with [insert nickname here], I just said I had plans. As I was logging off a few hours later, I sent her a note asking if she wanted to chat before bed, but she ignored it. Couple hours later after a text thanking her for the theater invite again, telling her good night, and I couldn't wait to see her Sunday night, she gave me a "sweet dreams, dave."
On Sunday, I got a couple very brief messages, with one odd exchange. She sent an "I love you" to which I responded, "I love you. I need you." She said she wanted to say, "I need you" but she thought I'd worry. She stayed out later than expected (which I'm happy about. She was with a friend, and she really needed that social interaction,) and finally hopped online around 12:15. We had been texting a little, so I didn't invite her. We came to an understanding a while back that she likes to settle in, respond to messages, etc, before getting into a chat, so I let her be. By 12:45 though, I had to send her a note that it was late and I needed to get to bed. She immediately invited me, but it was kind of awkward, and she was distracted. She did a generic apology, but I'm not sure what for. Told her I was excited she had a great night. I didn't want to get into any arguments, so left it alone. I really don't understand why she couldn't have let me know at 12:15 she wasn't up for hanging out. And even then, she would have known long before that. But that's her decision I guess. I asked if we could hang out on Thursday which she accepted.
I'm seeing Sassanach tonight, [insert nickname here] tomorrow, and Stakes on Wednesday.
I'm really kind of numb though. There's a big hole in my life where Susan was. There's some left, but it feels so empty.
Me: 40 straight male in a V with
Wife: Kay - mono female - married 18 years
LDR girlfriend: Susan - poly female - 3 year relationship
Stakes - very intimate friend
Ironically named Farmgirl - local interest