Can I handle polyamory?
My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and living together for more than 3. We have a beautiful daughter who is about 22 months old. Our marriage and sex life could both be described as good! We are very talkative and nurturing to each other. I am absolutely devoted to my wife, who is without a doubt the most compassionate person I have ever met. I would never be unfaithful, and the thought of losing her is unbearable.
A few months ago, my wife started spending a lot of time chatting with people on the web. And it just so happens that she has many more male friends online than she does female friends. And most of them are between the ages of 16 and 19 (we are both 25). Of course her choice of friends makes me nervous, but her conversations are playful and not sexual or flirtatious at all, at least from what I have seen. She is not the kind of woman who would hide things like that from me.
One of her friends, who I will call "G", is 19 years old. They have been talking both online and on the phone for hours every day for the past three months, and they've become best friends. I thought this was a little strange, but also wonderful because until recently, my wife didn't have even one close friend she could confide in (besides me of course). Both my wife and I enjoyed sharing funny videos and playing online videogames with G. I started to think that G was a pretty cool guy, if a bit naive and immature. He even surprised us by sending both of us some fairly expensive Christmas gifts.
G is in a situation where he will soon need to move out of his mom's house and find another place to live. Since we are a poor family, my wife suggested to me "Why don't we have him move in as our roommate and he can pay a portion of the rent?" I was hesitant, but didn't think it was a bad idea. We both liked him (although I've never said more than a hundred words to him at most, I have heard a lot about him), it would mean more income, and to sweeten the deal he wanted to bring over a ton of movies and videogames, and promised to be the perfect roommate.
But before we could finalize the decision, my wife wanted to be prepared. She asked him a lot of hard questions to make sure he would be comfortable living with us. Not everyone is okay rooming with a married couple with a toddler, after all. During that phone conversation he admitted that living with us would be torture because he loved her and could never be with her romantically.
Soon after that conversation, my wife realized that she was also beginning to have feelings for G. She started doing a lot of research about polyamory and wanted to have an open discussion with me about it. I told her that I would try to be open-minded, but that only my closest friend could ever have the privelege of having sex with my wife. G was certainly not my closest friend; he had never even met me or my wife in person yet!
In spite of my uneasiness, the two of them continue to fall more in love (over the phone!) with each passing day. My wife really believes that this guy is just going to move in next month, we are all going to get along great, they will have passionate, star-crossed lovers sex all over my marriage bed, and he might possibly stay in our house forever and grow old with us. All sorts of wild hypothetical conversations have taken place, such as:
will we do a 3 person wedding.
who will sleep where on which nights.
How many more children should we have and which of us should be the biological father.
how exactly does one comfortably perform a double penetration.
I told my wife that all of these questions are EXTREMELY premature for a guy we don't even really know that well, but she says this is just how she gets when she is in love... she is in a hurry for things to reach the climax. I should know, because she had sex with me on our 2nd date and moved in with me forever after our 3rd date! And within a year she was pregnant with my child! Is this the sort of thing I can expect from her with G? because I don't know if I could bear to watch that.
I have endured all of this as a loving husband who is trying to understand WTF is going on and how my wife could possibly fall for somebody else, let alone some kid she meets online. We have talked about this for hours upon hours. I have cried my eyes out on several different nights and she has patiently consoled and reassured me each time with loving words and sex. I told her I want her to be happy, and I want to give G a chance because he's a nice guy (he reminds me a lot of myself when I was his age), but I just get assaulted by waves of fear and jealousy and anger. She has told me many times that she still loves me very much and that nothing will ever diminish the marriage we already have, that we will be together forever no matter what. She's told me that I have never failed to provide for her materially, emotionally, or sexually. It isn't even about the thrill of having two sexual partners. She is actually falling for this guy, and claims she has more than enough love for both of us. In time she says that I could love him too. But all I feel right now is crushing anxiety and doubt and how dare he have feelings for MY wife!
Like many men, I have had idle fantasies about being with other women (I have only been with 2 women in my whole life), but in my fantasies my wife is also present. So the idea of having fun with a threesome or group sex has always appealed to me, but I don't know what it's really like since it has never happened. I never flat out asked my wife if she was interested in swinging/groupsex because:
1) I have yet to build any chemistry with another woman
2) I was afraid she would feel upset and think that she was inadequate in some way.
So of course, I expected that I would get to have sex with other partners also. That is only fair. But my wife insists that there should not be any casual sex! I am free to date another woman, but only if I genuinely have romantic feelings for her with the eventual goal of adding her to our poly family. Emotionally, I am perfectly satisfied with one wife! I made a promise to love only her forever and I meant it with every fiber of my being.
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. Both my wife and G have expressed concern for me and will do nothing to upset me. They want to take things as slowly as I need them to. They said he can start out as just a roommate, I can get to know him better, and things can gradually heat up from there once I am comfortable. But I know that they are probably going to be enamored with each other from the very beginning! By gradually they probably mean a week or two!! I tried asking for Veto Power to make myself feel more in control - basically that if he and I had any fights then he would be sent packing - but my wife doesn't want there to be any such things as primaries and secondaries in her poly family. She wants everyone to be equals, meaning even though I have been around for years, I am suddenly on an even footing with her new boy lover and don't get any more (or less) power or priveleges than him. When I did ask to be the primary she just gave me a disappointed look and calmly pointed out to me how unfair that would be to G.
What do you guys think? Am I just working through some temporary jealousy but this poly family could be a really cool thing if I give it a chance?
Is my wife crazy and I should tell this young man G to keep his distance from my apartment and my marriage?
Something in between those two extremes?