Thread: Sailing Solo
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Old 09-22-2013, 06:17 PM
Atlantis Atlantis is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 428
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Thanks for the input.
Prof has a gf, not wife. They do not live together. Now that she is dating she wants to renegotiate their rules. A case of going at the speed of the slowest. He told me about the restrictions in the beginning, he was very clear about what was available and I went along with it. So it is me that is now is making waves.
I did bring this up the other night. I said I realize that he was clear about what was available, I have it in text, email and conversations and now I am asking for more which is not terribly fair. He said he wasn't expecting the relationship to go along this path, but is happy that it is, and is trying to accommodate me. I can see that he is. I have seen him 4 nights this week.
It has been a long time since it was only once a week, which was the original plan.
Prof has offered a weekend away but we haven't sat down with the calendars yet.

Kip is married with the DADT. All is going smoothly there.

The past few months have been an immense personal challenge to myself when it comes to relationships and communication.
Even blogging and posting on the forums is part of the challenge, to be more communicative and put forward opinions. I find it extremely hard to share personal feeling and ideas outside of family and close friends. I have been greatly inspired by the blogs and forums to push my limits but it is uncomfortable and the self-reflection is hard work.

I have no problem walking away from relationships. I have left every adult romantic relationship I have had bar one, and that was in college. Waving big red flag!

I was fairly happy to let Kip walk away after the 3some issues, but instead decided to suck it up and try to work it out. I am glad that I did, but it was like pulling off fingernails. He was surprised that I made the effort.

Same with Prof, I could have walked away many times, he maintains that I have dumped him once already. I said we weren't really dating so it doesn't count
But instead of walking away, I am trying to speak up and work on issues. He said it is funny watching me try to get out things that are on my mind.

As part of my classes I am completing questionnaires regarding my interpersonal relationships with adults, I am spending hours a day reflecting on my own behavior and also getting input from friends, the guys and family.

Everyone is coming back with the same points. Poor communication, emotionally restrained, appears unfriendly, cold, stand-offish with adults, takes a long time for me to open up. The average is a year plus.
On the positive side, I am compassionate, hard working, loyal, lots of good things came up too.

This is hard to write, picking at scabs....

So I set up 2 relationships where I could continue this pattern. 2 men who very clearly stated that they are emotionally and physically unavailable. Looking for NSA sex. Both clearly stated that love was not an option and would be a deal breaker.

Then I find polyamory.com. Read Opening Up. I have been on every website imaginable. Read pages and pages of past forum posts. And decide that I am going to try and work on how I manage relationships and myself.

I have moved the goal posts for both Kip, Prof and myself. I think they are both dealing admirably with it.

Kip gets the never ending questions. We have IM open all day every day. I read something, have a think, then fire off a barrage of questions at him. He says he enjoys it, never knows what I going to come up with. I appreciate his honesty and forthright opinions. I kind of, sort of, told him that I love him. He said he loved me too, straight up; not kind of, sort of.

Prof gets the face-to-face communication experiments.
His and S's rules were set-up for NSAs outside of the primary relationship 2 years ago. and were working fairly well for them, but he decided he wanted a stronger connection with sex partners and we met.
I agreed to the rules, then started picking at them, asking for changes.

He kind of, sort of told me he loved me. He has been kind of, sort of saying it for a few weeks. My response varies from hmmmmm to I enjoy spending time with you too. I am so crap. When it comes up again I will try to be more responsive.

Just the thought of having 2 declarations of love out in the open is hard. Makes me vulnerable, not in control, Chicken Little, the sky is falling down, back off, walk away.

It is me that has done the 180 with both of them. Gone from NSA to trying for loving relationships.
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Me: 40s female
Prof: 50s male.
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