Today was an interesting day. Super fun, because my husband, my youngest daughter and I were out at a state park event where we worked and played together as a team. However, I've also had some anxiety because I haven't heard much from M at all. We missed each other on chat this morning, and all I got was a short, 'leaving now, love ya.' He was playing a series of gaming tournaments the whole day, for a charitable cause. I sent him a couple of messages over the course of the day, but didn't expect anything back, since he was competing. I was bummed not to hear from him at lunch or dinner though. And at the end of the day, he updated his Facebook page but didn't respond to anything I had said to him. Much later he wrote directly to me, saying that he had bad signal all day. That was it.
I felt good that I was distracted with my fun event, or I might have been emotional. I don't know why I get so insecure when I don't hear from M. This was stupid. Clearly he was busy having a fun day too, and rather than feeling glad about it at the time, I was feeling anxious. I haven't looked at my needs list to try to figure out what bullshit was bothering me, but that is clearly what it is.
Tomorrow is my 36th birthday. I wish I didn't have to celebrate it. My ex didn't ever buy me gifts when I was with him - 12 years - and I always felt disappointed and forgotten then. My husband now makes me a carrot cake from scratch, so I feel nurtured by him, and I feel like he is nurturing in that way, which I am very grateful for- I am so lucky. I like knowing that I won't ever have to be disappointed by what he didn't do, or if he spent money we couldn't afford. That carrot cake is delicious and dependable and everything I need. With M, I am actually scared about what he is planning. Meaning, I don't know what he is planning, if anything at all. I know he bought me something, because he keeps making references to it, but he also has been self-depreciating about it as well, saying that it isn't all that huge and he hopes he doesn't disappointment me.
I told him the other day, I wish we could never talk about my birthday again. I both desperately need an acknowledgement from him, so I can feel secure that I won't be abandoned like my ex did each year, but I also really need him to not make a big deal about it, because I feel uncomfortable. What if he disappoints me? I don't want to have him disappoint me - the thought is a lot scary, actually. It is stupid to worry about this. I am seeing him on Monday, a day date.
Honestly, I don't like these needy feelings that are coming out of me lately. I don't think they are attractive, and M shouldn't have to deal with my baggage. Clearly I am carrying more than I thought.
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Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (39F)
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