Originally Posted by kdt26417
We can certainly advise you on this thread; I believe we have, and I believe we'll continue to do so as long as you still desire some added advice from us. Let's just say that the more specific information we have, the better (and more helpful) our advice can become. Which is why I ask the questions I ask, and in general I encourage you to share as much information as you feel you can, even if it means lengthy posts and you feel like it's overshare. You never know when some detail on your end could germinate an idea on our end. Plus just talking about the problems may give you some more ideas.
I have to perceive your situation as challenging to say the least, but that doesn't mean I think you should just throw up your hands and quit. Some situations that would suck for one person work just fine for another person. I guess my objective is to see you get to a place where you feel contented with your family relationships and where they're headed. If by any means that can be accomplished, then let's put our heads together and figure out how to do it.
Just as an aside, how well are you and "the ex" getting along? Are the two of you happy/contented with each other at least? If not, what needs to improve?
It sounds to me like on average, both of you are okay with your husband's long absences. (Are the kids also okay with it?) If so, then I'll not even worry about it. Is the hard work schedule doing him under? Is he frustrated with the family time it costs him? Does he need a job/career change for his own sake, or can he (continue to) cope with it? I know he's tried to get off once every three weeks, but for now let's assume that'll never happen and confirm that everyone in the family can at least live with it. I know you said you've found it to be a bit much lately. Do you think things will settle back to a 4-5 week work block soon? Do you need your husband to seek a new line of work?
Bottom line: what's the minimum of things that need to improve before everyone in your family can be satisfactorily happy? Let's draw up a description of that (perhaps in list format), and go from there.
She and I get along fabulously. We don't bicker or argue, except when I'm having to defend my hubby when he is here because of her irrational explosions at him. She and I communicate about everything and I feel happy and satisfied with her.
The absences are okay and not an issue....we got news tonight that they are working hard to ensure he will be able to come home every 3 - 4 weeks!!!! He has fussed enough about it that HOPEFULLY they will stick with doing it!
*does happy dance* He is overly excited about it too because he says he misses me and being away from home so badly that it is hard sometimes for him. Let's see how it goes. I told him they better stick to their promise because if not they will have an irate wife calling to cuss them out lol. He's like "See, that's why I love you. You always have my back, always there for me, and always support me no matter what or how stupid it is. Even when you tell me it is stupid you still support me and let me make mistakes. That's what a wife is supposed to be." <3 awwww<3 lol.
He is actually trying to get our business up and going so he can be home more. We've been talking about having our own business for over 3 years now and are just now getting opportunities to make it happen.
Things that need to happen for it to improve:
They need to be able to communicate enough or well enough so that they can sit down and get to the root of their issues in order to resolve them...even if I have to mediate.
Even if he can't forget he can maybe forgive some stuff so that he can stand to be around her even if he cant ever trust her 100% again (I don't blame him for not being willing to trust her 100% ever again..she screwed him over so much and so badly).
He needs to realize she feels bad for the stuff and is willing to change hence why she has taken meds to get sorted out.
She needs to apologize to him for the stuff
She needs to stop finding anything and everything she can attack him about and just treat him with respect.
If she has issues with some envy, jealousy, or whatever emotions she is dealing with then sit and talk it out rationally. She can do that with me alone just fine, but not when he is around because she flips out and becomes irrational. VERY VERY VERY frustrating. gah! Especially when I know she is perfectly capable of being able to communicate in a rational manner.
He needs to acknowledge her thoughts, ideas, or feelings as much as he does with mine.
If we can get to the root of whatever the issues are with them I know it can be a happy thing between all to where we can all sit and communicate and work together on important things.
There has been 2 occasions where the 3 of us got to sit down together and come up with opinions, ideas, and such for whatever situation that needed input for solving. and 1 occasion where the 3 of us was able to sit together and talk, laugh, joke, and relax and enjoy being around one another.
So, I know it can happen just it is so rare that it baffles me lol.
Thank you all so so so so much for the different input and views and advice. It means so much to me that people genuinely want to help and work together to solve something that can be good.
This is the communication and working together that I want to see in this relationship we have. That is my ideal. My hubby and I do it together.... she and I do it together.....the 3 together, not so much because those 2 keep it from happening enough to count. :-(
I guess cause I am so big on communication on all levels for anything to work fluidly; which is why my hubby and I are so closely bonded we are inseparable. He is just as big on communication as I am and I know he has tried on numerous occasions to get that to happen but the explosions from her caused him to give up I guess?
He has told her at one time that her always attacking him to bitch at him makes it hard for him to have any feelings towards her.