Originally Posted by kdt26417
As I said, the main problem seems to boil down to the unease in the relationship between your husband and his ex. We have determined that her chemistry needs medication (for her emotional well-being and so she can be nice to her loved ones), and she is now on medication. How helpful is the medication so far? Does it need any tinkering (with perscription type and dosage)? Is she doing better for her kids? Is she doing better for your husband? Are these improvements sufficient to make the kids happy? Are they sufficient to put your husband's trust issues on the mend? Is everyone's happiness improved enough to grant you contentment? If not, is it continuing to improve?
We have gotten her meds tweaked and she has done significantly better. She still has issues with getting "twitchy" as she calls it....where she gets on the verge of feeling like she is going to have an explosion. Usually she does great until the kids come home from school and then she gets on edge, but the meds keep her from having an actual explosion. She does try to do better for the kids and does sit with them t help with homework, but she can only handle it for brief spurts of time. Doing better for my husband, somewhat. She says that he for some reason triggers her explosions when he is around. No one else has ever quite triggered her that way, but she says that her dad was like that because he has the disorder too. So even when my hubby is doing nothing wrong she explodes on him...If she is missing time with me, she explodes on him and finds anything and everything she can to fuss at him for doing or not doing or anything. Like when he was home a few weeks ago (he and I both smoke) she exploded on him for going outside to smoke and sitting with me while smoking, then for talking to me while he was in bathroom (something he and I have done since day 1), then for something he did 8 years ago (not taking her to a party to a friends house even though she didn't want to go), then from there to whatever the hell else she came up with......He has stated that she makes it hard to even want to try to work things out with her. I can understand that because there are quite a few times I have had to step in and defend him because he was doing nothing wrong at all and she went off on him.
An example, one night he was telling me about her interest in trying to start a tie-dye business and beading business because she loves that stuff.....she has told me the exact same thing a few days prior....he was telling me about it so we could figure out something nice to do for her that would incorporate her hobby and dreams into something. She went off on him for telling me anything they talked about in private....but it wasn't private and she had just told me about it a few days prior...he and I were just trying to take it to do something nice for her. but in her head he "broke her trust" by talking to me about something that was a private convo between those two about her interest in the business.
Originally Posted by kdt26417
Is there anything amiss besides her chemistry/medication issues? Are there specific things she ever did to wound your husband that she could make right? Do the children need any specific kind of restitution from her?
Well, let's see.... specific things she has done to my hubby to make him reluctant to trust her....
She had a fling with her boss but claimed that she never had sex with him....yet she got pregnant with her and my hubby's daughter like a week before they met back up together for their time off (he worked in a different town than she did). So, according to my hubby's family they are not sure their daughter is his and he even questioned it at one point because he was going to get dna test when filing for divorce, until he decided it would be best to not know because she was his regardless of blood...so we are still not sure if she is his or not....
she has taken off on him 3 times with no warnings and took the kids and some of his stuff he bought.
The final time she left she claimed he abused her and sought shelter at a women's shelter and so on....she got proven that was bullshit in court because she lived with his mom and he was working in another town and was at work when the abuse supposedly took place.
(I can vouch that he is not abusive at all because he has never done anything even slightly abusive. He actually finds people who abuse are despicable people.) So, she has lied about him and his character.
One time she left she waited til he went to work and made him think everything was great before she left...then just left out of the blue with the kids again.
This last time she left, she took off and could not be located for more than a year. I think it was 3 years before he got to see his kids again. She even filled their heads with lies about him. When they got to have visitation with us (she finally let them) they saw for their selves she was full of crap and this fueled their rage and resentment towards her even more.
Oh, and the whole 5 years they were together she treated him like crap, wasn't on meds so she always was exploding on him for anything she could cook up...so yeah easy to see why he is reluctant.
He has told me this stuff, his family has seen it and told me, and she has even admitted to all this stuff herself when talking to me about it.
Except, she still maintains she had not slept with her boss just went out to dinner with him a couple of times.