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Old 09-21-2013, 05:07 AM
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AilaLynn AilaLynn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
I'm curious so I hope it's okay if I ask, what type of work does your husband do? Is he a trucker (18-wheeler type)?
Kevin,

I don't mind questions, feel free to ask them. If they can help with gaining insight for advice and help me to gain insight by reading over and seeing different ideas, then by all means I am for it. My ultimate goal is to make this a successful triad. I will do my utmost best to answer every question you may have.

My hubby works in the oilfields of North Dakota. Which is over 1800 miles away. He does drive 18 wheelers, but also drives other trucks for delivery to different well sites. Sand, water, oil, etc...He also has a part time job out there hauling acid for a company for his times he is unable to come home, but needs something to do of the downtime (such as days they have their 24 hour restarts). Yes, he does put a lot of energy into work, but he does it because he feels it is his duty as a man to provide for and take care of his family and make sure all gets anything they want or need. So, he tends to overly spoil us lol. Just the way he is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Magdlyn does make some good points and I think the one that sticks with me most is how difficult his work schedule is. Heck, even if he was single with nothing to do at home. 16-20 hours a day with no days off for 3-9 weeks? I'm surprised he doesn't just sleep for the whole week he has off. I guess that does make counseling tough to benefit from, heck it makes it hard for him to maintain (let alone improve) any relationships at all by any means, and yet he's (essentially) got two wives to husband and five kids to father. I guess it's no wonder he doesn't bother putting much work into improving things with his ex. All his energy is pouring into his work. Even his emotional energy must be a sorely depleted.
He puts a lot of effort towards his and my relationship and efforts to ensure we communicate on all levels and efforts when he is home to ensure he and I have a strong relationship and bond. (Hence why I get confused why he doesn't extend more energy towards doing a little more towards her). He does attempt to TRY to keep things even between her and I when it comes to him, for example when he takes me on a cruise he also does the same for her (but he says it is so she won't have a blow out over it if he doesn't do the same for her). And we do rotate nights with alone time and sleeping arrangements. Though I must say I am the biggest part in trying to make sure everyone is treated equally and fairly....it just doesn't always work out that way lol. Mainly due to his own actions, as should be obvious from posts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post

It seems to me that the main thing you'd like to see improved is that you'd like him to have more desire for his ex, also for the whole family to be happier but for that we need the specifics of what's making everyone unhappy. I sense unhappiness coming from his ex because she'd like him to desire her more, and I sense unhappiness coming from him because to him it's a hassle to have any romantic (or even platonic?) relationship with her at all. And maybe you're (somewhat) unhappy because you see that dynamic between him and her and it disappoints you that they're not happier. (Are the kids happy enough in your opinion?)
You are right with the unhappiness from her due to wanting him to desire her more, unhappiness from him because it is a hassle to deal with her, and from me because I see the dynamics between them and it does bother me. I think I had this image in my head when we all 3 finally went from "POSSIBILITY" to actuality, that it would be no different than building a relationship otherwise, such as it was between him and I, and so on. Like, I had an image in my head that it would be all happy, happy, rainbows with the usual bickers or small hardships thrown in which are normal. A happy, functional family unit. I was not expecting this stuff.

The kids are happy enough as I can see. They have been doing much, much, better since she has been on her medications and has not flipped out on them and everyone else nearly as much.

They have not thrown the outrageous temper tantrums they used to out there when it was just her and them. They have not threatened to beat her to a pulp with cast iron skillets or to run away. Since being here they have gained respect and actually say "yes, ma'am" and so on. At the beginning I had to come down hard on them to not disrespect their mom as they were doing because when they were first here they would lash out at her and hit, kick, scream, bite, and everything at her whenever she would try to get onto them or tell them "no" or anything they did not like...that is not okay with me. They have never treated me or their dad that way and only her...Since then there have been no more issues with that because I always stress the whole respect for people thing. Oh, man, it was horrid! I have never seen kids disrespect their moms to that extent. So, yes, as magdlyn asked in a previous post about her being an ineffectual mom whereas I am better, I will let you ponder that one when you read over what I just stated above lol.

They do chores now, homework, and all without complaining. They asked her at one time "how come you never let us have dessert after dinner when we were out there, but we can have it here?" so, yep. Kids are happier.
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