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Old 03-02-2010, 05:25 AM
CFstasha CFstasha is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Chicagoish, IL
Posts: 21
Default How do I stop asking him if he's okay?

My husband and I have recently decided, after six years together, to open up our marriage. Or, if I'm being really honest with myself, my husband has allowed me to take a long distance lover; I honestly can't imagine him taking another himself for a long, long time if ever. I'm definitely the poly one in the relationship.

I have no doubt he's entirely comfortable with the situation. We have several friends in happy, healthy poly relationships and it's always been on the table that if either of us met someone else we should talk about it rather than be unfaithful. We've talked about it hypothetically long before I met Shiny New BF. He's also always kind of liked the idea of thinking about me with another guy, so it really kind of works and our sex life has been off the hook since this began. We're still figuring out the logistics of everything and I just had my first trip to see Shiny New BF. It was awesome, and then I began the "are you okay? Do you want to hear about this? Because it can be DADT, if you want, or I can tell you about my weekend? …what's on your mind, are you okay?" Yes. This is annoying as hell. He hasn't said so, but COME ON. And I can't make myself stop without leaving the gorram room.

He's okay with this.
He has told me he is on multiple occasions and I believe him entirely. Shiny New BF and I are getting ready for a weekend away together, and I'm trying to learn how to strike that balance between making sure my husband knows he has veto power if he becomes uncomfortable and letting him just BE happy for me (as he has said many times he is) without making him think about it constantly. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's becoming uncomfortable not with Shiny New BF, but that I keep asking him if he's comfortable with it.

I can't figure out if it's guilt that's making me overcompensate or what. I really don't feel guilty about anything that's gone down so far (mostly nothing), but convention is telling me that I should, so I'm feeling guilty about not feeling guilty (holy circular logic). Plus, I'm still kind of in shock that he really IS okay with this. He's always been okay with me flirting online because we've been very secure in our marriage, but this just seems incredibly generous and I'm in awe that anyone could be so wonderful.

Does anyone have any advice for how I might ease my mind as the poly partner? I want to stop clubbing him over the head with my ZOMG Open Communication and just let the conversation flow naturally, as it did before shit got real.

Last edited by CFstasha; 03-02-2010 at 05:41 AM.
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