This situation is so complicated.
You and your husband want a triad. (Defined as all 3 people loving, lusting for, touching and fucking each other equally.) From what you're saying here, if not his ex-wife, some other hot bi babe will do. First off, this is a red flag. Do a tag search here on unicorns and triads. Trying to force a triad almost never works. You all have the classic signs of a failed triad. It's kind of shocking that your h has to force himself to "go in unto her" as the Bible says. And she has sadly low self esteem if she is willing to put up with getting a few reluctant crumbs of his affection a few times a year.
Shes a former Fundamentalist Mormon? Raised in one of those communities where older men marry multiple teen girls and start breeding them right away? No wonder she has a "chemical imbalance." Did she run away from that sect? Is her mom still in it?
If she has that background, no wonder she's messed up. No wonder she will put up with sex once every 5-11 weeks, and reluctant sex at that. Yikes. Her expectations for a MF relationship must be very low.
You know that having your husband away for a month or 3 , with only one week home in between trips, is highly unusual. Yet, he's doing it and trying to maintain a relationship with 2 wives at home. I don't know when you'd even have time for him to do any counseling with you or her... once a week is ideal. Once every month or 3 probably wouldn't do much good.
And if he makes his ex feel really uncomfortable (how can she stand being told that if you leave, she does, etc?) and she does move out, you and your h think you will find a unicorn willing and able to live with you and only see the guy once every 5-11 weeks?
Is she aware he avoids being with her even as infrequently as he is? Can she see he is sitting up late with you to avoid going into her bedroom to fuck her? Yuck.
You can't force a triad to work. You seem to want to make him love her again, desire her again. I don't see this working. If I were him I'd spend the $ and move her to a house nearby. You and she get along, great. You can go to her place, have her come over, the kids can see each other a lot, but she's got her own place and no one is forcing themselves to have sex with her when he comes home every month or three.
By the way, is your husband celibate for those 5-11 weeks he is away from you?
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
There's no lying in polyamory!
I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-20-2013 at 12:22 PM.