Wednesday night and all morning yesterday were really rough for me emotionally. Right before bed, M messaged me to say he was not coming to my appointment on Friday, and we were not going to be together for at least another full week. I reacted very badly - having our fun plans disrupted was a small issue, but when combined with the fact he'd be missing our birth control meeting, no touch for an entire week and we wouldn't see each other anywhere around my birthday, I really went to a sad place. All of that right after the issues we'd just had prior was just too much for me to handle.
We ended up getting together yesterday afternoon because we were getting no where on IM and over the phone - he was talking in circles and wouldn't let me explain why I was feeling what I was feeling. He was coming to me with such strong defensive language - he had prepared for me to break up with him and was so set in his mind that that was going to happen - I told him it was as if he wanted me to do so!
When we were finally able to see each other, he was just SO loving and supportive. He really let his feelings for me show through - he had said many loving sentiments before, but there was no doubt of his depth of emotion for me yesterday. It was like, WOW. In an earlier conversation with H, she had told me that he was deeply and completely in love with me, which confused her because he isn't that way with anyone, much less with some chick he just met two months ago. Well, she was right - he laid it all out for me - how much he cares and wants to be with me. It was overwhelming, but in a good way.
I definitely went into poly with the idea of loving more. Never did I think I would find this kind of devotion, especially after my first fuckup with trying to date a friend. I was just hoping to find someone who would care for me, to snuggle with and spend time together. The level of fidelity he was showing and offering was really staggering in its intensity. I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that he loves me and is in this relationship for the long haul.
We spent the rest of the day just holding each other in the park and talking. It is amazing how we spend hours just hugging and sharing thoughts and it seems like no time has passed at all. Just staring into his blue eyes makes the clock stop for me.
Oh, we did resolve all the mindfucks that were messing with me Wednesday night - actually, I had figured those out before we got together. I reduced them down to the basic needs and told him exactly what I wasn't getting and what was needed. My appointment today ended up being the smallest issue, when originally I thought that was the biggest. After thinking it over, I realized that the appointment wasn't for M and I. If we broke up, I would go anyway. Birth control transcends a single relationship. Yes, it was a huge step for me to shut the door on my fertility finally, and know that I will never experience a pregnancy, but ultimately that is my decision. Having his support would have been great, but the reason why he couldn't come was rightfully a priority. It sucks he can't attend, but I am still going. At this point, I am hoping to get a diaphragm.
The plan now is that hopefully we can see each other both Monday and Wednesday next week.
Hinge in a poly-fi vee with two mono men
Wife to DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce
My Online Journal