Tonight, my wife WI and our partner AM are out with other friends - I'm at home with the lazy kids.
Last night, AM and I had a crazy great date at her place, dinner and talk and fun and a wonderful space of connection. I'm madly in love with her, she's madly in love with me, and we both get serious joy on the other being madly in love with WI. How did this happen?!
One of the odd parts of last night was that WI made the time and space for AM and me to have our date. "Hey," she wrote in an email, "do you two have time on Wednesday? I think you two need a date..." What the hell? This is my wife? Only 6 months ago, she was ready to kill me for my interest in AM, and now?!?
Life is good.
AM and I spent a long time talking about WI, and she says they spend a lot of time talking about me. We have found that it's not really possible to have a good relationship with either of the others, if the couple that is the others isn't doing well. So, for me to feel strongly connected to AM, I need to know she's doing well with my wife. For her to feel good with me, she needs to know that I am doing well with my wife. It's a round robin support system.
Another perspective for it, though, is a sense of powerlessness. When I'm doing badly, I go there: My wife controls my love life, and without her instigation or approval, I can't have a date. The only reason I had a date was because she organized it. I can't actually WANT a date, I can only do what she allows me, I am a weak piece of ttthpt.
It's amazing how viscerally one can feel all that - and how it takes the smallest of shifts to realize that it's all total utter BS. WI organized the date with AM because she saw me pining for AM. She thought it was cute. She was busy, AM and I weren't - before we GOT busy, she intercepted us and got us together. It wasn't controlling, it was enabling. Having us close helps her feel close to both of us. It's not power that drove her, it's love.
I guess I have a hard time with her supporting me because she spent years avoiding my poly self, denying that I really was this way, trying to undermine my relationship or at least act like it wasn't there. Then she fell in love with someone I'd fallen for.... and things got better. It's like we got away from our past shitty dynamic. And now, she is helping me with my dates, as I slowly learn that I can actually HAVE them, and maybe next time I'll do the planning myself. But she already told me she's happy that it's going to happen.
Oh, and turn about is fair play: AM and WI have a date next week, and I organized it for them. And AM has already asked how she can help WI and me have a date. "You two are too domestic. Let me watch the kids," and ... we might just do that.
Triadland is really amazing. I never believed this would happen. Each person watching out for the other couple? Wow.
Last edited by pulliman; 09-20-2013 at 12:11 AM.