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Old 09-19-2013, 05:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I see it the way Marcus sees it, too. I did state: "My desire for a relationship with someone doesn't mean I can't make a small allowance for a metamour to adjust to my presence, though if it became a pattern of control as the relationship moved on, I sure as hell wouldn't put up with that."

Josie made a request of her partner. He was not forced into it, he negotiated and ultimately chose himself how often he would see the new chick. We really don't know that the new chick's preferences were not known to him at the time.

Yes, one would be foolish not to consider that such a request could signify potential future control issues. However, Josie did not say she wanted to restrict all contact he had with his new potential girlfriend. She only asked that there be a limit to his sleeping somewhere else during the next two weeks - while he was in the early stage of dating someone. She didn't say that she restricted how many dates, phone calls, texts, etc., he could have with her - simply the number of times her live-in partner would not be sleeping at home. It was for a very short specified time only and, while it was a request that affected how his dates would go, it really wasn't a relationship yet and I don't see her request as all that extreme, unreasonable, nor restrictive. This sounds like a situation where some flexibility would have come in handy on the new chick's part.

I do not abide by others making rules for relationships I am not in, as a general rule. I just don't see this particular case as being all that horrible or unworkable. Perhaps it would have been better had they included her in the discussion and Josie said directly to her, "I need things to go a little slowly right now, I hope you don't mind." Personally, though, in the new chick's shoes, I wouldn't have a tantrum over seeing a guy with whom I'd only been on two or three dates! I wouldn't think that I had to be part of a conversation between him and his partner. The reality is that he had a limit on his time, whether it was coming from his partner, family, or work - can I deal with that? Is it in alignment with what I want as well, or do I ask for more/different? Do I feel respected (I think that would depend on how it was presented to me)? Basically he told her that he could have three overnights with her over the next two weeks. While it's not as spontaneous as I would prefer, it certainly wouldn't have been something I would get up in arms about for a guy I barely knew!

But yes, even if I accepted his terms, I would have been on alert for more potential control issues down the line.

I hope this side conversation is of some help to the OP.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-19-2013 at 05:32 PM.
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