Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Your GF (his ex) has no other home and no money other than his payments to her. So how "free" is she to tell you how she really
feels about you, about him, or about the dynamic?
When one wrong word could mean you guys kicking her out of the home, stopping payments, and her having to chase him through the courts for it? All with having to provide for the kids and start all over?
That's what I mean about a skewed power dynamic.
She may SAY pretty things to you and to him... but how authentic could it be?
You keep "fighting" to make a thing that won't naturally fly, fly.
Your hubby seems like he is in it for ulterior motives -- "to set her up" an gain legal custody of the kids.
That's all messed up sounding to me and does not bode well. It does not sound healthy to me. I am sorry.
I never quite looked at it that way.
It saddens me to do so though, because I truly want something great and fulfilling. Probably because I do care for everyone so much. I don't want her to go at all. Even if she does decide to not be involved with us or me, we will get her a place nearby at least so the kids can be near to us. My husband has told her this plenty of times, "If you don't want to be here or with us then I will get you your own place if that is what you want." My husband is true to his word, so I do believe that if she ever decided she wanted out or anything that he would make good on his word and get her a smaller place nearby. I hope it won't ever come to that, but if it does I would hope she genuinely cares for me to still be with me at least.
So, despite the power dynamic appearance, she does have options and choices and we would help. He just won't help if she decides to go back across country again to her mother.
Am I just fooling myself in hoping or trying so hard? Should I even bother to try? I mean it seems to be doing better with communicating between her and I. and a somewhat attempt between him and her. He did care more for her at one time, is it possible for it to get back to that point at least a little bit? We are putting her through college/university in jan. because it is what she wants, so we are doing everything we can to make sure she is happy. He more on the financial aspects , me more on the emotional and everything else she could need or want (she even says I spoil her a lot), but I can only do so much.
Ugh now I am gonna be questioning everything everyone does when it pertains to this.
This just sucks because it was something agreed to initially when it developed, if I had any inkling that no one would have truly made efforts I wouldn't have agreed to go along with it. I just don't want anyone to be doing it for "obligations" and I want everyone to genuinely care. I guess if things can't be fixed so that those two can be as happy as I am when with them individually, then I suppose I'll have to chalk it up as a painful loss and try again with someone else I know he can care for just as much. I just don't feel right being with someone without him being with them too, in a lot of ways it makes me feel wrong to leave him out of anything. He's so much a part of me and my life I want him to be as happy as I am and I do know he is open to the lifestyle, so I know he can be fulfilled in all ways. Does that make sense?
I was just truly hoping the first attempt would be better than it turned out to be. I'm just having difficulties understanding why everyone can't be as happy as I would like. As I said earlier, they did care for one another at one point in time, so why is it so hard for them to be able to muster that up enough to make this work?
Btw, in case you were wondering, Yes, he was the one to bring up the whole POSSIBILITY of the poly thing initially (but he knew from the time we met that I am open to it). Then we sat down and discussed it and we both agreed to it, then he broached it with her when she still lived across country, and she agreed to it as a possibility and moved down here. We completely funded her move. Then she completely agreed to it when she met me. So, that part is what is making it hard for me to understand some things. Like, why would she agree to it and make the move across country if she wasn't okay with it? Why would he broach it if he wasn't willing to even try or truly be into it? This is making my head spin in trying to pinpoint what needs to be fixed so that things can move forward, no matter what way it will go. *sighs*
Thanks for the different views and such, it helps me to see things I hadn't seen or noticed before. It helps to know what I am dealing with so I know what to do.