Having re-read my post again and seeing everyone's replies, I can see that I haven't got the full situation across or represented my wife very well here. I can take what I feel is useful for me from each post so far, but I personally didn't feel anyone was being harsh.
Hopefully, the following should be more helpful!
A and S first met up on the internet through a 'cougar dating' site with my full consent. There was texting, e-mails, pictures being swapped. S and A liked each other and arranged to meet in person. They spent 5 hours together talking, socialising, flirting, felt chemistry and arranged to meet again. They said they wanted a Friend With Benefit relationship and kept in touch via texts. A booked a hotel room for her and S with my consent as before. They spent lots of time together talking, watching tv in the hotel room and the actual sex part lasted less than an hour. All in all, they spent 6 hours together that night.
There appeared to be an emotional bond happening and S became protective when A mentioned a 'cry for help' suicide attempt a few years ago. He hugged A and said, "I'm glad you're still here..."
At one point, A asked S if he'd ever 'been in love' as she was curious about his past. S seemed awkward and said, "I don't know...Maybe...I don't know." A found this a little strange and the atmosphere between them after that seemed to change. S became more evasive, but did ask A if she could stay the night in the same bed. A did say no out of respect for me - remember this was the first time in 11 years she'd seen someone other than me. S agreed that they shouldn't take advantage while I had told A that my feelings on that might change in future, but I'd let her know.
Then, they had a confusing 30min long confrontation before A left. Both S and A seemed confused as to what was happening between them, S admitted he was confused and said, 2Maybe I'm in too deep." A asked what he meant by that which he wouldn't answer. Then he told A he needed some space and that his mind was "fried". They hugged before A left, but didn't say goodbye. That was 4 weeks ago tonight.
Since then, things have been strained between A & S and between me & A.
3 weeks ago, A got a text from S saying, " It seems the deeper things go between us, the more confusion and hurt there might be. If your fella isn't happy with us, I'm not sure we can keep going." Then he left for Wales for 3 weeks and visiting his family in England. His contact was sporadic. He did text briefly a couple of times and said his phone didn't have a signal in certain places. S told A he still wanted to see her, but that it was a "mind melt" and he was "finding it hard". A didn't hear from him again before he went to Spain with his parents where he said he was "thinking about you (A)". When he got back from Spain, A got a text saying, "I think we should call it a day. can't keep it up and I feel like we're playing with fire here And it's not fair on you because you never know how long I'll be gone for when I'm away. It can't end well. But I want to see you face to face to talk about things. It's been stressful for both of us."
Since then, A heard from him again on Sunday when he said he'd be back up the road at the end of the week and apologised for his lack of communication. He said he still wants to see A face to face to clear up any misconceptions.
A feels she has been left in limbo with S for the last 4 weeks. She keeps flitting from accepting that it's probably over to sending him messages about reconsidering. S hasn't said (yet) one way or the other if he will reconsider. Just "we'll talk."
A has tried her best to communicate with him by text and email, but often gets no response. She understands he has been busy with his family and a course he was on, but is still confused about what happened between her and S prior to that.
However, A definitely feels that what goes on between her and S is her business. It is her choice to give him chance after chance. She is uncomfortable with me imposing so many rules on what she can and cannot do, even how she feels about S. Basically, she feels her relationship with S will only be acceptable to me if it meets my required standards. She has problems with my need to pull the strings and has tried to rebel against that on occasion saying, "I'll see him whether you like it or not!", etc. A feels like she's 'a dog on a leash', 'allowed' to do certain things with S and 'not allowed' to do other things in case it rocks the boat with me. She does her best to be respectful and has even left her wedding ring at home on the night she slept with S as a mark of respect to me and our marriage. She believes the ring should not be worn when she has intimate times with S as she finds it disrespectful to the marriage. It also helps to keep husband and toyboy 'separate' in her mind.
A sees her husband and toyboy as two separate entities in her life. She isn't 'with' S because she feels something is missing from her marriage with me. He's different to me - quirky, unusual and has a 'non-conformist' lifestyle. A different relationship dynamic.
She has admitted she has romantic feelings for S and has been smitten with him since their first encounter 2 months ago. A has told me she feels guilty and like she's emotionally betraying me as her husband. She would prefer not to talk about the emotional side of her relationship with S, but sometimes we have a heated debate about it when I ask questions. She feels that's not helpful.
We did originally agree on a "don't ask, don't tell" policy on what they did or didn't do. Things didn't work out that way, especially when things started to go wrong with S. A didn't want to talk about him to me at first, but was glad of my love and support when she did. However, the downside to that has been my wanting to 'control' her personal situation with him. Now, she regrets telling me certain things and realises we have both breached our agreed DADT policy. Of course, neither of us can undo what has been shared. A feels some damage has been done by this and hasn't been good for my self-esteem.
My wife is currently waiting for S to come back to Scotland after his 3 week trip to Wales/England. S has promised her they will meet in person when he gets back to "clear things up." A wants S to re-evaluate and reconsider their relationship, but is worried about MY reaction if he agrees to giving things another try. She's also told me she's worried about my reaction if he doesn't want to reconsider.
To her credit, she has warned me that she'll need time to heal if things end with S, but I'm an impatient person who takes things personally and will see her refusal to engage with me as a personal insult. A has said to me that's not the case and it's not personal, that she just wants to deal with letting go of S on her own if it comes to that. It's no representative of how she feels about me in her words.
She's a friendly person who would rather part with people on good terms, has a good heart and doesn't like bad feeling. I know if it does end with S that she wants to keep his contact details so she can wish him Merry Xmas, Happy New Year, etc. I probably won't like that, but I know I can't dictate any of that to her.
Anyway, that's a fuller, more complete picture of everything. Gives an idea how things started and where we are right now. I'm aware that my control issue is still in there - A has said the same things Dagferi and Marcus have. I definitely have a hard time letting go and not trying to control things.