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Old 09-18-2013, 11:19 PM
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qwair qwair is offline
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Why? Just curious.
I guess I felt that a co-habitation environment is pretty intense and might cause drama, when normal roommate friction collides with the beginnings of a relationship. I'll admit to being extremely drama-averse -- I try my best to avoid it, even on the expense of potential good relationships. In this case A proved me wrong, and I admit that.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Did you guys discuss being "out" about being poly? What is her current stance? Are you ok with her current stance? What is *your* stance about being "out"? Are you happy with the way this turned out?
Yes, we did. She tells anyone who she deems 'needs to know' and I am of course free to do the same.

I could have told those guys at the guest room, in fact, a year ago I probably would, The reasons I didn't were:
1. I didn't feel confident that our relationship is poly, or how to define it any more.
2. I didn't want to explain N's relation to this, especially when I don't really communicate with him directly on the matter and all I hear is through A.
3. They were people A knows but I don't. I didn't know if she wanted them to know, and I didn't want to accidentally cause a scene.

I don't care that I'm not out to these people. I do care that this is the first time in a long time I've felt ashamed or awkward about my relationship choices.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
But, does she want a monogamous situation? If she's in love with you and her Roomie, then she's still poly... even if she clearly plans for you to be on the outside looking in.
We must have a very different definition of poly then As far as her future plans go, she wants him to be her official relationship, monogamous to the outside world, and wants to see me in a don't ask don't tell arrangement. At best I would call that non-monogamous, but I sure wouldn't call it poly, because it really goes against some values I associate with poly which I though she and I shared.

Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
If you are her life-boss and are in charge of what she does with her time, then absolutely. Are you in charge of her life decisions? Do you really want to be? It doesn't sound like that's the kind of association you are looking for.
There's no need to be mean. I do not intend to police her actions in any way, or be anyone's 'life boss'. I do intend to take this, like all life experiences, as a learning experience and to try and understand how I can communicate better so that this doesn't happen again, in this relationship if it lasts or in the next one. If it teaches me that I have more issues and deal-breakers than I thought I have, then that's also something worth learning, and worth telling.

Thanks for reading my post and for your advice.
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