Relationship changing on me
So I'm new to these forums, but not to poly, and I'd like to vent a little and maybe get your guys' advice and opinion about my situation. I'm sorry in advance for the length.
I've been in a relationship with A for going on 9 years, which has been poly from the start. We've always communicated pretty well and had what I consider to be a pretty good relationship.
Last year we had to go live in separate cities, having been accepted to 2 separate schools. We have tried to see each other, but I don't think I need to tell you that transitioning from a close relationship to an LTR is hard.
Anyway, A is in the new city, all alone and miserable, and she considers starting something with her roommate N. When she asks for my advice, I advise against it because I didn't feel roommate romances are a good idea in general. She didn't listen to my advice and, to my positive surprise, started a relationship with N that has been going strong for about 8 months now.. I was, and still am, very happy for her for finding someone who cares for her in that city.
As far as I understand, N is not very happy about A's poly situation and is very uncomfortable with me being around. A goes along with that, to the point that she asked me not to travel to her, but only for her to travel to me. I was uncomfortable about that, didn't really like it and told her so, but she's an adult and if she doesn't want me to come then it's her choice.
Last Saturday for her birthday, I was granted an exception and travelled to her city to be with her and participate in her birthday party. However, once there I was introduced to her friends as 'R from another city', without any mention of our relationship. I slept with other guests in the guest room (which was okay), but when they asked me how I know A, I felt too awkward to come out to them and cause a scene on her birthday. In the entire situation I felt like my relationship turned from a poly situation to a don't ask -- don't tell situation, with me being the third wheel or the 'outsider'.
Of course, after the event I told A how I was feeling. She claims, that she is perfectly all right with the status quo and that I 'took a chance' of the relationship style changing when we chose to be poly.
So my questions to you guys:
1. Where was I wrong, and what should I have done differently?
2. Is A right? Does everyone who chooses to practice poly take a chance that they might find themselves suddenly in a non-poly arrangement?
3. Setting rules and limiting my partner in any way is against every poly bone in my body. However, should I have insisted on us dating only other poly people? Is that limitation okay in your view?
4. What would you do in my situation, assuming you want to keep the relationship going.
Thanks for reading this all, if you've come this far, you deserve a cookie!