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Old 09-18-2013, 03:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by MonoMale View Post
I've told her I believe he had used her for sex that night. She thinks he is the type who runs away from things when emotions get involved, but agrees his treatment of her is unacceptable.
You both could be right, or both could be wrong. It could be, he just figured out he wasn't that into her. Or.. maybe his is wigged out by what seems like more than a FWB situation, or maybe he found he really loves his cat.

Things came to a head the other night and we had an argument (wife and I) which ended up with me punching a hole in the door as well as saying I'll deal with him myself. I have had anger management 18 months ago and know I need to deal with it again. This is the first real test of my ability to control my anger since the course ended. I also struggled to deal with the different dynamics too as I've felt jealous that he's new and exciting to her while I'm not after 11 years. She's tried reassuring me what she has/had with him is separate to what she has with me, etc.
Anger management yes, but your anger stems from your seeming need to control the entirety of the situation.

It looks like S and I have had a harder time dealing with this while A has been able to separate her relationships. She has a hard time with him cutting her off and not getting the answers she needs from him.
Closure is not a right. Ever. It is not the responsibility of the other party to give a reason. Unless they want to. Closure has to come from within.

She wants to see him one more time to talk about where it went wrong, why he treated her the way he has, etc, before going separate ways. I still think he is a user, but she feels he's confused. I've had no problems with A actually having sex with S, but struggle a lot with the emotional side of it all.
See above.

I find it slightly ironic. Most people are fine with fucking, but don't want the emotional side. So a FWB situation where the other side is walking away from the emotions (if thats what is happening) would be ideal in some non-monogamous circles.

At the end of the day, we both realise we need to develop better coping strategies here! One of the kids almost overheard everything which we don't want to happen. So, how do other people handle mess like this?? Especially when one person isn't communicating at all and my wife's been in limbo for 4 weeks.

Thanks, folks!
At the end of the day, you guys want a respectful, caring relationship for your wife. You advertised a FWB situation. She got that, (which doesn't mean ongoing sex).. your expectation of the situation and the reality of it simply don't line up.

I could also guess you are at different points in your lives. He's early 20's.. your 30's and kids. Your viewpoint on what a relationship even is, is likely very different.

Hes 20ish.. hes horny.. he thought he liked your wife and maybe didn't feel anything after the sex. Sex is not a pre-cursor to a relationship. Sometimes, shit happens and you realize there isn't a compatibility. I would hate to be on the other side of your opinions. I can like a girl, when I do have sex with them, its always an on/off switch for me. Yes or no.. this can continue or not. I didn't use the women in my life, it just didn't happen.. I am also at an age where I would tell the woman just that.

and I have had it happen to me.. (and it sucked for the record, but I dealt with it.. )

For the record, the best closure for me has always been rebound sex. Doesn't work for everyone, but its a great way to emotionally close one door and prop another open, and its more fun than sitting around moping.

However, you guys are kinda too attached. You may just scare a 20 something off with your emotional intimidation..

Ces La Vie..

Good luck, hopefully you can loosen up your need to control, hopefully she can find closure somehow, and hopefully both of you can look at the world through his eyes and maybe not see what he did as this great slight against your wife.

Last note, take it as a lesson, now you know a bit more about what your are looking for and can hopefully figure out where you might have gone wrong. It should help for future relationships.
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