I've lurked here for the last few months and enjoyed several threads - lots of interesting thoughts on relationships and self-development! Made an intro post about 3/4 weeks ago.
Recap - My wife (A) and I have been together for 11 years, but married for 7. We have three kids aged 8, 11 and soon to be 16 - hectic house! I'm 31 and my wife is 36. A got involved with a 24 year old guy (S). Originally supposed to be a Friends With Benefits arrangement, but things got messy.
The problem - things have been hugely challenging since A got with S, spent time with him and slept with him. At first everything was going very well. S seemed to be an understanding guy who seemed to be interested in A, but also didn't want to split us up. I was happy enough for my wife to see S even though she's my wife and I didn't lose the plot when she finally did have sex with him. And she was happy she could have both of us in her life for different reasons.
But since that night, things went pearshaped. S made no effort to keep in contact with my wife even though he'd agreed doing so showed her respect. We all agreed that respect was important all round. S talked a lot about being detached to A the whole time, so when she did spend time with him she was confused by his behaviour. He seemed to be developing some kind of attachment to her and they had sex for 30-45mins out of the 6 hours they'd spent together. So, after that, it looks like he's blanked her and chosen to run away from the situation. Last week he texted her "maybe we should call it a day...we're playing with fire." By then, he'd already slept with her and there was consent from all of us too. A thinks someone has talked to S and said he shouldn't be seeing a married woman at all.
His lack of communication with my wife has pissed me off a lot. I've seen her upset and it's on her mind a lot which I felt was getting in the way of our time together. She's told me more than we originally agreed to because she wanted me to understand how hurt she is, she's not trying to hurt/offend me. I've struggled with that too and my response was to start demanding she doesn't see him again and stop talking about him, etc. A correctly pointed out I have a control issue and have been trying to control her. She's told me several times I have to let her make her own choices/mistakes and to do my best to support her. A has tried to reassure me, but has pointed out that she can't battle my demons for me - only I can.
On top of all that, she bled at some point when having sex with S. She had done with me weeks before, but had not when I had sex with her before she did with S. That night he seemed concerned for her and asked if she needed a doctor. A made an appointment and had a colposcopy which made her highly anxious. She's been terrified the results will say she's got pre-cancerous cells, but her doctor doesn't think she does. We get the results soon. But she says she feels like S has stabbed her in the heart as he hasn't acknowledged her medical issues at all since that night. She's told him about it, but nothing.
I've told her I believe he had used her for sex that night. She thinks he is the type who runs away from things when emotions get involved, but agrees his treatment of her is unacceptable.
Things came to a head the other night and we had an argument (wife and I) which ended up with me punching a hole in the door as well as saying I'll deal with him myself. I have had anger management 18 months ago and know I need to deal with it again. This is the first real test of my ability to control my anger since the course ended. I also struggled to deal with the different dynamics too as I've felt jealous that he's new and exciting to her while I'm not after 11 years. She's tried reassuring me what she has/had with him is separate to what she has with me, etc.
It looks like S and I have had a harder time dealing with this while A has been able to separate her relationships. She has a hard time with him cutting her off and not getting the answers she needs from him. She wants to see him one more time to talk about where it went wrong, why he treated her the way he has, etc, before going separate ways. I still think he is a user, but she feels he's confused. I've had no problems with A actually having sex with S, but struggle a lot with the emotional side of it all.
At the end of the day, we both realise we need to develop better coping strategies here! One of the kids almost overheard everything which we don't want to happen. So, how do other people handle mess like this?? Especially when one person isn't communicating at all and my wife's been in limbo for 4 weeks.