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Old 09-18-2013, 10:12 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

When I first started learning about poly, I came across lots of posts, articles, and people with superior attitudes about it. Some polyfolk (esp. the ones with big egos) insisted on pontificating about how poly is more evolved than monogamy. The people who say these things can get quite abrasive and defensive while looking down their noses at monogamous relationships with a holier-than-thou attitude. Ugh.

The generalizations paint all monogamous relationships as super fucked-up, less evolved, and all about ownership -- but there are plenty of healthy, enlivening, mutually nurturing, extremely loving monogamous relationships out there. It is not automatic that the individuality, autonomy, and agency of each person in a mono couple is not appreciated and encouraged, without codependency or possessiveness. Popular culture certainly encourages the idea of ownership (just listen to a few pop songs for that), but actual experiences vary hugely from that view.

What makes a healthy relationship? Respect, caring, love, affection, honesty, etc. Both mono and poly relationships can have all the elements that make relationships healthy. Poly people attempt to cultivate more than one loving and healthy relationship, and therefore, there are challenges in keeping our "heads above water," so to speak. While the challenges of polyamorous relationships differ from monogamous ones, that fact doesn't make them more evolved. Really, mono and poly relationships all have many of the same goals, such as (for a start) to nurture and support the ones we love, or to build lives together.

I can't stand when polyfolk put down monogamy as inferior. To do so is very narrow-minded. I avoid people like that. Besides, some of the most fucked-up, damaging relationships I've seen were non-monogamous ones.

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PS - I don't think it's fair to scold anyone specifically for posting to an old thread -- especially when it is simply a general/philosophical discussion. In fact, Dirtclustit's post prompted Josie and me to add our comments, so it would seem obvious that the thread still has relevance! It's less than two years old - that is hardly "ancient!" If a new post is directed to a particular person that hasn't been here in a few years, that is a bit odd, but not a horrible thing to do. For the three years I've been a member here, we've always been encouraged by mods to do a search first and post to an existing topic before starting a new thread.

There is nothing in the User Guidelines prohibiting posting to old threads. I sincerely hope that doesn't change.

The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 09-18-2013 at 07:14 PM.
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