Originally Posted by wildflowers
Are his being in love with you and being collared inextricably linked for you? To me they seem like independent questions, and I wonder if they are for him too. What if only one of them was possible - could you accept that?
Yes, I could accept that; they just happen to be two things I very much want. But at this point, it doesn't seem like either is an option with him, given the talk we had.
In my case... I can't see collaring a man that I don't love, or at least have very strong emotional attachment to. It's just the way I'm wired. I find power exchange to be extremely intense and the deeper we go, the more so it is. If he didn't love me but we had a strong dynamic, I think I'd still be okay with a collar, and if he loved me but didn't want to be collared, I would definitely be okay with that.
I know that he's been hurt in the past. His ex wife collared him and she abused him heavily. He's had secondary relationships where he was used and thrown away. I honestly can't blame him for being gun shy about something serious. I also know that he wants more face time from a secondary relationship. His primary partner lives in another state, so while I go home happily to my husband, he goes home alone. Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Neither of us drives, and we're about two hours away from each other by bus. Right now, I am able to give him about 2-3 full weekends a month. We also text daily and stay in touch. It's not really possible for me to give him much more contact than that given that he works full time and I have a small child.
So I can intellectually understand his reasons, and that's assuming there isn't something else about me personally, which is of course a possibility.
Where it gets hard for me is that when we're together, it's absolutely perfect. I honestly couldn't be happier. If we hadn't had that talk, I would swear he felt about me the way I do about him. It's just all the little things... and I feel like the level of physical and emotional intimacy is so intense and loving.
He knew that there was a risk I would walk after we had that talk, and he was prepared to accept that, so he isn't blowing smoke- he genuinely doesn't want things to get that involved, at least at this time. He knows I only have time in my life for one secondary relationship, and if I happened to find someone compatible who wanted the same things that I do, that I wouldn't have much time to see him anymore. So I know that I have to keep myself under control, take a deep breath, and try to just enjoy the now. This may never become what I want it to so badly, and I have to be okay with that. It doesn't stop me from hurting a little, though.
I ask myself if I'm repeating the same thing that I did with L; accepting something that doesn't work for me because I got attached. I really don't think so, because at least this time I have my eyes open to the possibilities, and because when I'm with him, it just feels so right; I'm happy.
I just have to be careful of that damn little voice in the back of my mind that keeps wondering if maybe a few months down the road, he'll see that I'm not like the other women who have hurt him and want something more with me. That's an easy road to heartbreak. I know I need to just focus on now, and enjoying time with him. No commitments, no obligations. But when we're cuddled up together and falling asleep... it's really hard not to want more from him.