I'm trying to continue giving myself reality checks, but sometimes it's hard to keep reality sorted out.
What I have with E is so fucking awesome. Seriously. How could I even be thinking of giving it up? I like hanging out with him. I love sex with him. I love kink with him. I genuinely like him as a person. So why can't I just enjoy that for what it is?
We were together this past weekend and it was absolutely incredible. Mindblowingly amazing. The sex... the kink... his level of attentiveness and service towards me... and just laughing and hanging out. I really felt like my cup runneth over. I couldn't have been much happier this weekend no matter what happened.
It's just so confusing for me at times. The intimacy between us is really intense for me. He'll touch and cuddle with me in nonsexual ways. Or he'll gently kiss my neck during sex. All the little things that just make me feel like this is so much MORE. And yet, I know that he doesn't want our relationship going that way. It's hard for me to describe but it's just so amazing and confusing all at once.
I'm falling in love with him. I know this means I'm leaving myself vulnerable and eventually heading for heartbreak since this isn't what he wants. But I can't control my heart. I just know I need to keep it to myself, despite the fact that I think he already knows.
I'm trying to just stop overthinking it and enjoy what I have, because it's pretty fucking amazing. There isn't much I would change about our relationship even if he did want to be in love with me, so I'm going to try and let go a little bit and just relax and go with the flow. So far, it's just been so good. I don't want to give it up even if he'll never wear my collar.
Maybe one day the pain will outweigh the happiness... but for now, I'm going to go with it until it doesn't fit me anymore. At least I have my eyes open this time.
Me: 32 year old poly pansexual Dominant female, legally separated. Dating Jennifer (married poly), 9 months, and Henry (single poly), 8 months.