Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit
It's a good observation.
But if you think about it, the same principle applies to any number of differences that can eventually surface between two (or more) people.
Where the subject is 'sex' we'll stay there. So this being the case it seems to lead to the question of why this becomes so much more of an 'issue' than any of the other myriad of (small?) differences that surface but get taken in stride.
What indeed is so 'special' about sex ?
Is it possible for some people that that is their only discovered means of making that 'deep connection' they desire in their life ?
And if that is the case, and as you allude to, 'they' are the ones who feel 'they' are always in the suffering end, what choices are there to alleviate that 'suffering'. And whose responsibility are those choices ?
More questions than answers..............
I agree, there are other issues for sure, sometimes bigger ones too.
Sex is very special to me. It is not a recreational pass time for me, it does not come as a given that I will dish out to anyone that I feel a connection with and I guard it closely now, whereas I never did before.
I have assumed, up until lately, that others feel the same way. I realize now that they don't and I am adjusting to that. A lot of people are able to dip their foot into different qualities of sex and different styles and be okay with that as it is a fun pass time for them. What's the big deal sort of thing. That is great for them, it really is, but it is not for me.
Is this the only way someone like me can reach a deep connection with someone? I can only speak for myself really, I have no idea what others that feel similarly to me feel. I am not sure at this point. I thought or hoped that it wasn't, as I had hoped I could be friends with all kinds of people (especially men) deeply and even physically closely without having sex with them. In the poly community I am wondering if that is possible. I have yet to experience closeness without it becoming a "are you available" situation.
I'm talking friends in the poly community here, not all my friends... I have close friends that I am not sexual with for sure. Those are the ones that accept me for who I am with and air of interest, rather than judgment or with assumptions. Actually, I think I get on better with the mono community right now than the poly one as I don't have to concern myself with them looking at me as a catch, or disappointment in my point of view about sex in my life. Sometimes those mono rules are very useful in feeling protected for me.
As to the "alleviating the suffering" questions
(it sounds so friggin dramatic)... I think it is up to the person that feels like that mostly and unfortunately. Either they have to get over it and feel devastated that their partner is off fucking others or they move on to someone who is like them more.
For me, if my partners were to go off and do whatever because they have a different view than I do and see sex as not such a big deal, I would have to leave them or never have sex with them again I think. I would be forever changed and I think I would probably never get over that. Granted I don't know, because I am WAaaaay in this relationship structure more than I have ever been in any relationship in my life. I really don't want to challenge that at all, I just know that when my husband had sex with a woman that I had a hard time with and thought didn't treat him well, I still think about it and still find myself disconnecting regularly from him even though I gave him a green light about the whole thing. That was over a year ago now.
I know, I'm fucked....
just so you know, I am not okay with my being like this at the moment. I struggle with it and am being completely honest because I want to get to the bottom of it. To a place where I feel like I can sit in the seat I am in and be okay.... I'm not okay right now. I'm off balance entirely. I'm disappointed in myself, frustrated and feel left out. My need to feel included is conflicting with my need to have boundaries around my sex life where my poly community is concerned.
I feel marginalized
HA! (oh please don't argue that, I really don't have the strength and am trying to be light about all this....