I think that "veto" may be necessary for some that are just starting out and don't want their relationship to implode before they get used to their poly way of doing relationships... make it their own so to speak. I know I was big on "veto" when we started out and my husband decided to date a woman that was completely not going to fit our family and didn't respect his emotional way of being. I left it in his court, but reminded him that he has a responsibility to his family first and that she was jeopardizing the balance by being in his life. He was a crazy man on NRE.
He decided to end it because of my concern and she just shrugged and said, "oh well, I don't get to fuck him anymore." He was heart broken, but saw that she really was no match for him or us and was far too casual with sex and "love".
Needless to say, we have learned tons and there is no need for us to "veto" anymore. I think "veto" is replaced and becomes "boundary negotiations" as time passes and we become more trusting a confident.
I think it's important to remember that people need to start somewhere and that they have a need to protect their "primary relationship" at the beginning.... by calling it "primary" and having "veto" power sometimes. That is fine with me... whatever works for you. It doesn't mean that you are in someway bad or doing it all wrong at all. Just that you know what your relationship needs are and working it all out for yourselves.
Everyone I think, needs to figure out their way in poly. What kind of people they want in their lives, what their poly means to them and what works for their lives and the lives of those they love. There is no wrong or right way. It is YOUR way that is important.
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