2nd chapter of a thirds
a little info on my GF. she is a google addict. not slightly, no she is a major hooked googler.
and this brings us to the next few months of our lives building together. Bubby(aka GF) and I start divulging in all the literature we can get our hands on. using the forums and websites for information on the poly topic at hand. and wow are there a lot of coined words that have been attached to poly. my favorite by far and key to not losing my mind, compersion.
during this time in my life, something i would have never considered is coming about. a woman i love and is most precious to me, whom i wish to share my everything with (nothing held back) is also in love with and intimate with another. such a swirl of emotions followed. using her as my base, for i love everything about her. and everything includes everyone. i found a peace and appreciation for the relationship she is sharing with fiancee. i wish it truely only took as long to get to that point as it does for you to read this. but i still like a little vagueness around details, and bubby has been absolutely brilliant at keeping my feelings in mind when discussing themselves with me.
while im having my studies on relations 101+1, bubby and fiancee have tons more on their plate than I. for starters we all know that what is trying to be achieved is not going to happen if the primary is not at minimum 100%. after much talking we agreed though we love each other, we need to step back into a friend only status. both for ourselves, since just being lovey over the phone generated an extreme need for one another that was not about to be met anytime soon. and at the request of and for fiancee, so he could come to his own acceptance of what we need of each other.
for reasons completely understandable the relationship between fiancee and I was very strained and almost non-existant. of course i let it be known that if fiancee ever wanted/needed to talk that im here and my phone is always on. the focus there was on the two of them. i played the role as friend for bubby to talk to and bounce her feelings and thoughts of off. anything i could do to help them achieve what they needed was my focus. which taught me that i still need to focus on myself or i loose a little sanity after hours alone =P. and when such cases happened both fiancee and bubby were there to help me stand again.
this period was the most personally enabling period of my life. it also helped me accept my personal feelings as a failure in my previous marriage. poly seemed such a completely different way of life in my eyes at first glance. the general love of one another was easy enough to grasp, but i felt the dynamics of such a relationship would be more related to rocket science. instead, surprised i am to read that this is something i not only can understand and easily enough apply but that its not much different from any mono relationship id ever been in.
coming to terms with the fact that her and I will not happen immediately had a bitter sweet feel to it. the good first, it is giving us a chance to more completely take each others all in and not move quikly letting emotions fully control us. to make sure we know what we want, need and expect of each other. bitter, because i have to wait =(. lol to clarify, sex last on list, no hand holding or kisses yet or intimate huggies, but i could stare into her eyes as hard as i liked (little piece of heaven).
the waiting and keeping myself in check is something very alien to me. in regards to a relationship. its one thing when there is no emotional bond, and shes just not that into you. but to know that my feelings are mirrored in every way and still contain myself gave me irrational feelings of an outside control, absolute helplessness and unless constant attention was paid to, a quik draining self esteem. i understood that under better circumstances things would have moved more fluidly and at a pace that could actually be noticed. but my psyche was not hearing any of it at times.
at one point i did call it off completely. this is actually refered to as THE TUESDAY lol. the time frame is fuzy, its some where around 3 months in. i have seen bubby once for 2 or 3 hours since our first secret meet up and with what felt like no light at the end of the tunnel. my thoughts raced to extremes. from thinking i should make demands, try and create situations to i should sever all ties, go hide in the mountains (i love the mountains).
during all this bubby and fiancee are having a hard time re-establishing what it is they have lost. and thru a comment from me about fiancee and a reaction i didnt expect out of bubby, i quit voicing hearts feelings(fully denying them when im talking to bubby). days slyde by and my feelings arnt being addressed to their full needs. so i decided that this (i felt the relationship was to blame, not a lack of communication) was very unhealthy for me. and creating unhealthy thoughts of these two wonderfull people, whom i hope to keep a friendship with if this is not for any of us.
and so i did the hardest thing i had to and in the weakest way i could. not even a phone call, i message that this is not working and that i am not continuing the poly side of this relationship anymore. and to please not call me in the morning( cause i melt when i hear her voice).
=P good spot for a break