Okay, so, M. Have I even mentioned M on here? Probably not.
Met M on OCK about... June? Maybe? I forget, now. Hadn't intended to meet anyone online, really, just check out the site as I had heard a lot of good things about it in poly circles. As a woman on OKC, you get bombarded with messages, and you many times have the luxury of picking and choosing at your leisure. So M had messaged me as part of the pack of men who did in the beginning, and back when I felt I had some obligation to politely respond to each and every person who bother to message me, (and later, even bother to read my profile) I had told him something like, look, busy with life, sorry, get back to you later.
When the influx of messages had died down somewhat a few weeks later, he messaged me again, asking if things had opened up in my schedule. I checked out his lengthy profile, which indicated that he was married, and anyone who he would be dating could be assured that he would only date that woman and his wife (commitment to poly-fi, I guess that was). Well, I had been feeling particularly talk-y that day so I engaged him in conversation. We moved things quickly to email, and really hit it off. An almost electric connection on relationship philosophies, sexual preferences, world views, etc.
I was still getting a few, "Hey baby, you sound hot" (I never put up a profile pic) "Wanna hook up? Don't tell my wife." messages, so I amended my profile to indicate that I am not interested in being anyone's dirty little secret, and DO NOT message me if you're trying to cheat on your SO. No judgement, it's your life/marriage, do what you want - it's just not what I'm interested in. Well, M noticed the change immediately, and emailed me to say that he didn't mention that his wife DOESN'T know about him searching for an affair, and worried and apologized if that was a deal-breaker.
In retrospect, I probably should have said, okay, yeah it is, bye.
But we were getting along so well, and I liked him a lot. And I hadn't felt that in... well to be honest, since I met DH. Mr. C. and I hooked up a year and a half ago, but we were already good friends and had heavy flirtations between us since. So I thought about it, and I considered the little fit I threw about DH possibly dating "a cheater," and said that we would see try things and see how it goes. He indicated that his wife probably suspects that he is on OKC, but they haven't talked about it. Oh, but he wants to talk with her.
We'll see, I said. We spent another month or so just talking, and I brought it up to DH too. He flipped out, as usual, because this was *different* than what we had encountered before. He also just started his relationship with D2.
M's native culture was Eastern, completely different from mine. I allowed for the possibility that him having an affair was somewhat of an unspoken norm, and agreed to meet him for dinner. We did and the chemistry between us was HOT. I mean... just amazing. I could not believe how attracted I was to him, and he claimed he felt the same. I went home glowing. We didn't have sex on the first date, but almost. We did on our second one, however, as it was exclusively for that. Our third date included some making out in his car, but also a walk through the forest preserve, some cuddling, and a lot of soul-bearing. And, of course, an admission of Love, on his part. Our dates took awhile to set up, so we had been together for a few months at that point.
Things were going well, DH was adjusting, Mr. C. was adjusting well, and I was deep in NRE. Then M had a sudden change in employment and became really busy. We dealt with it, and he began a job search while still employed and ran out of having a lot of time. We connected some more, and M again confessed his depth of feelings for me, and how amazing it was, our connection.
On our last date, we were making out in his car for a bit, feeling like naughty teenagers. He suddenly asked me to tell him about my husband, and the things I liked about him... in bed. So I obliged. We actually had a serious talk about it, and he brought up the topic of his wife and how he wished he could talk with her like this.
The next day, he became very distant. He told me that he had done a lot of thinking, and that he loved his wife, and although he had affairs before, this one was different and he was seriously examining whether or not he was doing the right thing for himself and his family.
Well of COURSE this wasn't the "right thing." Ugh. I gave him time and space. And he's been "busy." I don't wanna push him, but at the same time, I need to know what's going on with us. I have... other needs.
So with all this time and space, he claims he's not really focusing on his marriage right now. Trying not to think about it. To me, that's not exactly smart right now. That's the main thing right now, isn't it? I've held back from expressing my opinion, which would likely doom the relationship. Still...
I feel so much like strangers connecting in the night with him. Something's gotta give.
- Me, 36, female
- Arabella's Husband, 36, male
S, DH's new relationship, 35, female
- Arabella's boyfriend, 35, male, married to E
- Mr. C's wife, 35, female