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Old 09-15-2013, 11:16 PM
Alpha Alpha is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Bradford, West Yorkshire, England
Posts: 5
Unhappy Hard-wired mono/poly relationship issues


You may want to get comfortable, I've tried to keep it brief but this is going to take a while.

So here's a little back story. I've been with my partner for the past 10 years, we met in school and have been together ever since. The first 2 years had its ups and downs but being 14/15 years old that's no supprise really. The next 8 years passed by largely without issue.

The one thing that has always been an issue is the sex life. Started off fairly normal but once the novelty of it wore off so did the frequency. It got worse and worse untill sometimes it could be months without sex, when we did there was never any foreplay, she just wanted to have sex and kind of get it out the way. After all it's just a physical need right?

We tried all sorts, had sessions with sexual therapists all to no avail. A couple of months ago I brought it up again as it was starting to really depress me that I was in my mid 20's with the sex life of someone in their 60's. Long story short (yeah this is the short version) she opened up to me that she was asexual. Which kinda explained a lot. *EDIT: should probs mention she didn't know she was asexual at the time, we discovered that later together*

So we tried to find ways around it, to try and find a compromise. She suggested I find a FWB. When we started discussing it and discussing terms I Complete. Content in a way that I had never felt before. I had always felt that something was wrong, something was missing. It was a niggly feeling in the back of my head for as long as I could remember and that was gone and I felt happy.

Then we started adding rules and restrictions (some quite restrictive) and it the feeling started to come back. I spoke to a friend of mine who was poly about it and she expressed interest in becoming my FWB. We had great chemistry and a lot in common. It helped that she was a sub and I'm a dom (not sure if that's TMI, if so I appologise).

So we gave it a try. My partner thought she would be ok with it but after 2 weeks we had to call time. It was the thought of sharing me with someone else that she couldn't stand. The sex thing didnt bother her, being asexual she didnt place any real importance on that. It was having to share me that she didnt like. I think she feels she would lose a part of me by doing that. So we called time on it.

In between starting the trial and it ending we found a way in which both me and my SO could enjoy sex and she learnt a great deal about why sex was such a big deal to me and why feeling wanted was so important. She still doesnt have a sex drive but we enjoy it and she instigates it more now that she gets something out of it.

As a compromise for the poly thing I have been told I can "play" at certain BDSM events that happen near where we live on a regular basis, and while this seems like a lot of fun I suspect it won't help my feelings.

One thing that's worth mentioning is that over the past 10 years I have always encouraged my partner to meet and get to know other guys. I don't and have never really got jealous and have activly encouraged her to branch out, long before I even knew what it was to be poly (also random aside I recently found out that my mother is also poly. I come from a fairly sexually un-repressed background, my SO on the other hand was raised by a very strict religeous older couple)

So there's the very long back story. Here is the problems we now face.

My SO knows that if I ignore how I feel and force myself to be mono I'll be basically living a lie. I'll be having to supress part of myself and avoid forming close ties with other women just in case. Either that or basically I'll end up cheating eventually. Something I have never done before but we had to consider it as an option. She wants me to be happy, and knows that its possible I won't be this way.

Similarlally, if she allows me to have another partner and not just a play partner at a monthly BDSM event she loses part of our relationship, and being a hard-wired mono this isn't something that feels right to her and causes distress. The sex may not really mean much to her but the emotional side of things is very VERY important.

We know it won't work if I have another partner. I've managed to ignore how I felt for the past 10 years but will knowing what it is make it harder to ignore?

I'm also having trouble accepting things myself. I dont want to WANT another partner but I do. When we tried it for the 2 weeks I felt absolutley wretched and even though she assured me it was fine I felt like I was cheating. But now it's over I'm more than a little dissapointed. I dare say I feel heartbroken that it didn't work but I can't say why. I find myself wondering if I'm actually poly/poly-fidel or just looking for an excuse to cheat above-board as it were.

Does anyone out there know of people who know that they are poly and are happy in a mono relationship, despite knowing it's not...who they are, so to speak?

TL;DR version; ...damned if I do, damned if I dont.


Last edited by Alpha; 09-15-2013 at 11:45 PM.
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