More on this weekend.
I was down yesterday morning because I don't think that being poly with M is going to solve the problem I originally became poly for: my sex drive is too fucking high. I was really hoping - foolishly, obviously - that being with someone that could give me more orgasms each session would quiet that part of me that needs sex every day. But that was definitively proven wrong.
It doesn't matter if I've had 5 orgasms or 37. The glow doesn't last for me. I need more. This isn't a failing on anyone's part but mine.
The realization of this hit me hard. I talked to D about this a lot yesterday. He told me that he thinks that exploring poly has been beneficial for me though, and I absolutely agree. It has pointed out some issues that I didn't know were issues (not being able to accept physical compliments, apologizing for having orgasms). That alone has made the whole thing worth it.
He said he really believes that I have a sex addiction, and that is what I am trying to battle, or accept about myself. He said that sure, I am not to the point where I am cheating or doing anything extreme to get my fix, but doesn't an alcoholic who tries to drink responsibly still deserve the label alcoholic?
So I am struggling with this now. Of course though, the other awesome outcome of poly is also M. Wonderful, loving, take my breath away, everything I never knew I needed M. I could never give him up just because my sexual issues are making me sad. I can't imagine not having M to make me smile. My NRE is still in full force there. D points out that I don't ever lose NRE, so that is not going to change over time and I need to figure out that too.
So, where does that leave me? Still sexually frustrated, but feeling loved and supported by two amazing guys.
Still sexually frustrated though. At this point, I cannot fathom how to possibly fit in a third guy due to my time constraints, and I will not and can not do the casual hookup thing. D has encouraged me to wait things out and see what this new normal feels like. I think that is good advice.
I tend to be impatient and want an immediate solution.
I feel a little hopeless because I don't see how M and I are going to be able to do consistent overnights together each week, and I think I really, really need that. No, that is wrong - I don't think that, I know that. If I am not able to connect with him at least once a week, what we have will fall apart. If I am being straight up honest with myself, that's the truth. Somehow, we have to make that work. That is going to be a hard line for me. I know I should be able to put on my big girl panties and just deal with it, but emotionally I know I have to have contact. I can't not. I just can't.
Maybe I went about this entire poly thing ass backwards. I should have realized that sex once a week is the bare minimum I needed from a partner. I can't go back though - we are here now. So I am trying to figure out how the hell M and I are going to make that happen.
I really can not struggle with this sexual fuck-up that I have, with a partner that can't meet my bare minimum standard. That isn't why I became poly and I won't be able to maintain any sort of calm about myself otherwise. And I don't feel like polyfi, for me, can be done any other way. That is what my brain and my body are telling me.
So M and I messaged about it last night. I know the topic made him anxious, but he remained calm about it. He said it is what it is and he doesn't fault me for figuring out what I need and coming to him with it. He said he wants to be with me and thinks what I am asking for makes sense. So he is going to talk to his wife.
I feel really shitty about this, but I need to be honest about what I need with everyone involved. I don't know that I would be able to quit M if he can't do overnights but once a month, or once every two weeks. I'll be miserable, but it is still better than not having him in my life. But, I am then going to try and figure out what I am going to do - more than likely that will be to jump back into the dating pool and try to find a 3rd who lives closer, or is able to come to see me on a more frequent basis. That would mean reducing what I have with M down to a booty call, or an FWB. I really really don't want to do that though, so I hope he can give me that overnight I feel I need.
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