You do sound like you're in a difficult place right now. I can feel how heavy your heart is while I read some of your words.
I'm not going to address the content of what you're saying, but I'm going to ask you to look at the overall emotion that's there. It's all pretty negative, wouldn't you agree?
As a happy chick, I don't want to hang around with people whose thoughts are wallowing in the negative very often. I want to hang out with people who have energy and stories about their adventures during the day, and who have light and sparkle in their eyes.
I realize you can't always be in that place, but I wonder - do you strive for it, or have you been caught in the negative place for a while now?
Tell me about the books that you read (or listen to, if you like me prefer audio format). Do you listen to any Men's-issues podcasts that you find motivational?
What are you feeding your brain, aside from the circle of negative thoughts?