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Old 09-13-2013, 12:22 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Default BDSM as the Star Trek Mirror Universe? Well, Kinda

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
I really liked the “rope” part...but I had a negative reaction to the guy (dude doing the tying) telling me what I could and could not do with “his” girl. (“Not on the lips.”) Now, don't get me wrong – I had no inclination, at all, in any way, to over-ride this or press any boundaries in this case. I was asking for an invitation to THEIR party and have NO say in how they structure their interactions. But, MY personal preference, (as a complete newbie and interloper) would be to hear any restrictions from the mouth of the person that I am interacting with directly. (i.e. if this was a negotiated, on-going “thing” and not a random one-off event).

Dude basically went off on me and told me that I am a horrible person. That that could never happen within the boundaries of a D/s dynamic and that she CAN'T be the one to tell me what the boundaries are – and that I am asking someone to break their contract by even communicating with me. Whoa, Nelly! From my perspective, I am simply observing my reactions and what my preferences would be. I really don't understand where the vehemence is coming from.
BDSM is disconcerting. It is especially so when new to it at least in my experience. There is SO MUCH in BDSM that I would not want to be around if it appeared in a non-BDSM context. For example, I know folks who are in Master/Slave relationships. I find M/s disturbing. It is not something I can wrap my head around. I fundamentally do not get why anyone would give up that much control over their life - or accept that level of control over someone else. But the people I know in M/s relationships, it was freely chosen, and they are happy. I intensely dislike humiliation scenes. I do not understand why someone would want that, would find it cathartic and maybe even hot. But people do.

BDSM is not exactly 'opposite land' to mainstream, everyday life. Generally, what is socially appropriate in everyday life works just fine in BDSM contexts. For me, it was weird, as an adult, independent, woman to find that some women agree to be in a relationship where she cannot speak for herself in some contexts. (And some men and transfolk do so too.) I am used to that dynamic now, but it still disturbs me.

In my little corner of the kinky universe, I talk to whoever I want to talk to, scene with, etc. They are responsible for telling me if their agreements are such that I need to speak with their Domme, Dom, Master, etc. It's not my job to magically discern their agreements. It is my job to respect those agreements once I am aware of them, even if I find them stupid or odd.

The one exception to the 'talk to who I want to talk to' rule is if someone is in the middle of a scene - similar to your situation. I don't interrupt or impinge on scenes - that is bad form wherever you go in BDSM land! But if invited, or had some situation where I had to interact with people in a scene, I don't talk to the person who is being acted upon - the bottom, or sub. I would talk to the person running the scene, the top, or dominant. One reason is that it is simply polite to direct questions to the 'one in charge' in this context. The other reason is that bottoms or subs may be in subspace. Subspace is an altered state. People in subspace may not be able or want to communicate. Talking to someone else besides the top may jerk them out of subspace, which is no fun and can be disconcerting on its own too. So your directing questions to the sub, while appropriate in any other context, may have impinged on her subspace and thus changed the experience for her.

I have no way of knowing if this is true. Don't feel guilty or bad or that you did anything wrong. There is no way to know this stuff before experiencing it. The time to ask about restrictions directly from the sub (and dom too) is before the scene, when the scene is being negotiated. But you were drawn into a scene after it began, after their negotiations were done. It happens, it can be hot, but it's not 'best practice' so to speak. Again, no harm, no foul - just something to know.

Generally, again speaking from my own limited experiences, people are forgiving of new people learning. After all, everyone was new once, even the domliest doms from Ye Leather Olde Guard.

As for Dude, no idea. When I have an experience where my reaction is outsized and overly vehement to the situation - which happens more than I like - it's usually not about the situation or even the other person. There is something going on internally. Maybe Dude is having something similar go on?
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