Originally Posted by Coraline
Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.
It wasn't meant to be a comparison, silly or otherwise.
As Marcus said:
Originally Posted by Marcus
nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?
The OP stated that he is fine with his partner having lovers, but he was puzzled as to why overnights were such a thorn in his side. It also sounded like he is just not used to doing things independently. Hence, my question about how he feels if she is sleeping overnight somewhere for other reasons. The point of what I wrote was to help the OP find the nugget at the core of his discomfort. As Mags suggested, it would be a great way to get more comfortable with each other's autonomy and learn how to occupy themselves when alone, if they both took overnight trips on their own, to see relatives or go to an event, whatever, more often. Then, if one of them spends a night with a lover, it wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary and disorienting, at least in some aspects.
However, Coraline, to what you wrote I gotta say - although some jealousy or envy can be understandable, if anyone who is partnered is so fucked up, fragile, and fearful about being "replaced" by their partner's lover, they've got lots more soul-searching, therapy, and strengthening their trust in each other to do before they even attempt to practice polyamory. It's not for the faint-hearted nor the extremely insecure! Also, letting go of couple-centrism/hierarchy would help!