Originally Posted by Ceoli
I guess I have two questions.
1. Why are you still with this guy? (I don't mean this as in "Why haven't you left yet?", but as in "What are you actually gaining by being with him?")
2. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to model for your daughter? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this kind of relationship is normal and what she should be going for?
Answer 1) I don't think I am gaining anything at the moment. But I am trying to get to a place where I can gain back my companion, my friend, my family member, the glow I used to have every time I looked at him and said, "yep, this is who I'm spending my life with." I had a revelation last night. I am in no state to accept that he can be that person again. I have literally been waiting for the smallest mess up to say, "AHA!!! You didn't change! I knew it!" Because I'm scared to trust again. I'm not in that place and I have no control over his actions. All I can do is get myself to a place on last time where I can accept any positive changes that happen wholeheartedly and give this relationship one last try. I'm not a quitter. Its so freaking hard to throw in the towel on anything. So I have to try, but I have to get myself to a place where I can try. I woke up drained this morning. It's how I've woken up most days for the past several months. The ups and downs of working on building the dynamics of our poly relationship, then the ups and downs of a family in shambles. I need time to recover before I can truly "be in this" again.
Answer 2) I absolutely do not want our daughter thinking this is okay. His behavior or my behavior. She has witnessed his dishonesty towards me. It was something that he brought up last night. He blames himself for a lie she told me Sunday night. That she is learning this from him and it's not okay and it's something that he must fix. What she has been learning from me is, it's okay to be treated this way and that mother's and wives don't deserve respect. That is absolutely not okay and this is something I must fix and I am doing so. But a big lesson that she has learned (something I didn't want her to learn at such a young age) is that we are a family and families have troubles, sometimes BIG troubles. I want her to learn the second half of that important lesson... Gosh I'm crying typing this. I want her to learn that Family sticks it out and doesn't give up on each other. That they apologize and forgive and rebuild. I never got the second half of that lesson growing up. I want that for her. I want her to have the family that her father and I set out to make a long time ago.... I want that family and I know deep down so does he. We are just at a place where there has to be a time out. I want time with my daughter where I am not worrying about my relationship with her father and that's what I am focused on right now. Once i recharge my batteries, I will try one last time and if it doesn't work out then we will have to start planning a new family that can function properly for her.