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Old 09-11-2013, 03:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,711
Default * what is the issue?

So, what's the issue!?

From my point there is no issue, only a failure at communication. But, since I failed at it twice I think I might benefit from some outside input.

So, I am entirely new to the whole “kinky” scene. From my standpoint – I am exploring the possibilities but I don't know the etiquette, so I am cautious. (I know that some people see poly as inherently kinky but it doesn't feel that way to me...I've ID'd as poly for seems vanilla at this point. “Kinky” still means “stuff I don't do” - i.e. if I do it it then in is just “regular” stuff.)

But...I am interested in this rope-play/bondage thing. So I ask if I can watch, I get invited to participate a little, I come back for a little more. This is HOT stuff!

So, I am trying to convey to Dude what I have learned about myself and my reactions to this exposure:

I really liked the “rope” part...but I had a negative reaction to the guy (dude doing the tying) telling me what I could and could not do with “his” girl. (“Not on the lips.”) Now, don't get me wrong – I had no inclination, at all, in any way, to over-ride this or press any boundaries in this case. I was asking for an invitation to THEIR party and have NO say in how they structure their interactions. But, MY personal preference, (as a complete newbie and interloper) would be to hear any restrictions from the mouth of the person that I am interacting with directly. (i.e. if this was a negotiated, on-going “thing” and not a random one-off event).

Dude basically went off on me and told me that I am a horrible person. That that could never happen within the boundaries of a D/s dynamic and that she CAN'T be the one to tell me what the boundaries are – and that I am asking someone to break their contract by even communicating with me. Whoa, Nelly! From my perspective, I am simply observing my reactions and what my preferences would be. I really don't understand where the vehemence is coming from.

I talked to my girl, VV, and she understood where I was coming from. So I tried again with Dude, same response. So, I see a couple of possibilities here – a.) other people are allowed to have their preferences but I am NOT (which seems weird) b.) there are unbreakable tenets of BDSM of which I am unaware (which is entirely possible – but negotiation would seem to be one of them) c.) Dude is familiar with a model of BDSM that is not universal (which seems the most likely explanation to me – seeing as how he was exposed to the lifestyle without being a part of it, per se)

Comments welcome. (I don't ever want to upset someone's dynamic, but I do want to be able to express my own comfort levels/ there a way to do both...or should I just bow out of the whole "kinky" scene now before I upset someone?)

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 09-11-2013 at 03:35 AM.
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