sigh... I realize after some reflecting and discussion that I had what we call "a moment " tonight. What happened tonight is small and my boyfriend pointed out that I should dig deep to find out why I had such a big reaction to it. I've some to realize that I am adding indiscretions to my fiance's pile. I've been harboring a lot of things and tonight was the straw that broke this camel's emotional back.
I think it has to do with ego as well. "Normally" when things get bad and there seems to be no improvement people leave the relationship and I feel like... I don't love myself enough to leave or I'm just a weak person and that's where the whole losing my dignity thing came from.
I also think that I have not given myself a chance to just take a deep breath and have a break from the unveiling of all lies and the emotions that came because of those lies. I've been holding my breath waiting for a reason not to trust him and he handed it to me tonight and ran with it.
I also realize that I put a lot of symbolism on "the little things" and im not communicating this as I should be.
In short, my boyfriend says he understands that what happened today in regards to how it was dealt with was a big deal, but that what actually happened was a slap on the wrist offence in light of how well things have been going. And I agree. The words that were exchanged tonight is what caused damage not what the words were about. I also spoke with my fiance and he had valid not sugar coated points. It was wrong. He should have told me he was going to spend money that was reserved for an emergency beforehand and he shouldn't have tried to make excuses about it tonight.
I also voiced a lot of needs and vunerabilities I feel at the moment with our relationship. I also spoke of where want this relationship to go. And I recognize that I need a break so I can see problems that arise individually. It has taken months for us to become this broken. I cannot expect a sudden perfect relationship. What I can do though is say I need a break. I need a bubble of time to calm down a find some footing so I can actually voice my issues within our relationship without it sending me over the edge like tonight did. So that's where we are after tonight. Everyone sees how drained I am and I need some time to recharge my batteries so I can actually be in this relationship instead of waiting for him to screw up. And once I am more level we will proceed with working on issues. And for the time being (hopefully) my fiance will continue to work on things he already knows need fixing and not add anymore to the list... hopefully.