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Old 09-10-2013, 11:08 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi edlr,
Welcome to our forum.

I don't know whether all of your posts have made it through the mod approval process yet, but I will give my response to what has been published on this thread so far.

First of all, I don't think you should be concerning yourself about "whether you're really poly." That's a purely semantic question, and it has no bearing on more important questions such as, "Is your current situation really going to make you happy?" and, "Is this really the best thing for P1 and P2?" Although there are those who consider polyamory to be an instrinsic improvement over monogamy, I personally consider polyamory and monogamy to be on the same level of value. Either kind of life has the potential to do good or harm. It depends on the individuals involved and on the specifics of the situation. All people are highly unique and have their own unique wants and needs in life.

From what I have read of what you have wrote, you do not in your heart want this situation with P1 and P2 to end, despite the dysfunctions and ethical dilemmas. I don't think you can go against what's in your heart. You will have to make the best of the situation unless and until you feel differently about it.

Be aware that P2's husband is a potentially explosive element, and you may have to deal with a lot of fallout if he ever finds out what she's been up to. Secret affairs rarely stay secret forever. It would be a good idea if you had an exit strategy from this part of the situation. Right now, it looks like P2 needs to divorce her husband.

It seems to me that P1 and P2 both have substantial emotional handicaps, and it doesn't look hopeful that either of them will ever really want to share you with the other. It's possible this uncomfortable status quo could stay in place forever, but there is also the chance that it will eventually blow up. You will have to accept this as a real risk as long as you stay in the situation.

I don't think there's much you can do to improve the situation. You can always hope things will gradually improve, and they might. For the moment, you are mostly stuck with just enduring the problems. The only thing that sometimes helps in poly problems is a substantial commitment to communication, and P1 and P2 would have to share that commitment. It might be worth considering sitting down with P1 and P2 on a regular basis (such as once a week or once a month) and discussing everyone's wants, needs, and feelings. During these discussions, it will be important to not assign blame, but rather to just get everyone's feelings out on the table.

Communication will be badly hampered by any dishonesty, so P2's tendency to spin the truth will really make communication a challenge. There isn't much you can do about that, other than asking P2 to be more honest, and of course she might not take well to that suggestion.

Ultimately, what you have to decide is whether this particular poly situation is worth it to you. To me it sounds like it is rife with problems, but since I am not in the situation nor in your shoes, it's not really my place to say whether it's worth it. I fancy that if I were in the situation, I would think it was not worth it, but as I said from what you have written it sounds to me like this situation is where your heart truly resides, so I guess you should continue to ride it out and see what happens.

There are a few suggestions in this post of things you can try to maybe improve the situation. But be prepared for the possibility that your own efforts may not be enough. P1 and P2 have to be willing to change too, and only they can make that decision.

The OCD about germs seems to me to be something of a problem in spite of its benefits, but I won't try to address that issue in this post. Again, if that's what you're committed to in your heart, then that's what you have to make the best of. I just thought it was worth mentioning.

I hope this post is in some way helpful.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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