I am not in to the business of thread jacking, so I had to comment on my blog. I bloody hate when people tell people who miss their spouses, dread overnights, etc. to take up a hobby, get a life, get a new partner, read a book, find a support group, lose weight, work on themselves, deal with their shit, and the list goes on.
I have seen the "get a new partner" advice given to mono spouses, and I want shake the silly ninnies who suggest it. For someone like me who feels no sexual attraction to anyone unless I am in love with them, how in the world would that advice help ME?
I am a demisexual. I have only been in love five times, and with each of the times, the friendships had been established for a long time. Three were before DH. Only ONE (Si) was after him. Those connections do not happen all the time, so telling me to go find another partner would never work. If I had never met Si, I would never have gotten in to another relationship. I say that with certainty because I do not seek relationships or love. I am asexual and aromantic towards everyone outside of my spouse, which is why giving up the life I was living all those years was easy. 18 years and only 5 connections? The odds of it happening again were next to none because the last time it happened was 13 years ago.
Bit of history and how I chose poly: The first person I fell in love with was someone I knew for 12 years, and she was and still is one of my best friends. The second person was also in our circle. As was the third. It went from whatever open letter to an open V (always closed on my end). When I met DH, I was single but he knew about my relationship history and the V that had just ended before I met him. DH strayed from the norm. I was aromantic towards him when we first met and the following eleven months. I was like, "Oooh. He would be a really great friend. He is warm, funny, and charismatic." I appreciated him from an aesthetic point due to not feeling primary attraction. When I fell in love with him, it was like, "These are not the same feelings I was feeling six months ago. I need to figure out what these feelings are." It took a period of exploration to finally be able to say, "I am in love with you." It did not happen overnight. Only after I was in love with him, did the sexual attraction begin. To this date, he is the only man I have ever been sexually attracted to and active with. I still did not want to jump his bones immediately. One could say that poly was a situational thing for me, and it took months of introspection to realise it.
The sugar coated advice about sucking it up was hands down the worst advice ever given to my husband. I wish he had never taken it. We have spent months trying to undo years worth of this conditioning and this royally fucked belief system. I realise it is okay to have interests and hobbies, and I encourage that. I have interests that keep me out of the house for at least an hour 6 out of 7 days, so clearly there is nothing wrong with having an identity outside of being somebody's mum/dad/wife/girlfriend. His were unhealthy and masking a huge problem. He buried the negative feelings and channelled the emotions towards all the hobbies. It was like he believed that having negative feelings around something like poly that brought discomfort was wrong of him, so he found a way to cope, deal, and ultimately suck it up.
It came out when our therapist asked him what he really felt about being told to take up more hobbies and improve himself to deal with his emotions surrounding my desire to be a polyamourist? He told her that it was like someone was telling him to "suck it up." He felt like he had to force himself to feign happiness because anything outside of tolerance would mean he was issuing a non-verbal ultimatum, threatening my autonomy, and infringing on right to express myself. Additionally, if he did not like it, he needed to leave. He also felt like the advice to improve himself was out of place because it implied that something was wrong with him for not jumping for joy and going cuckoo for cocoa puffs about poly.
It has been quite an experience cracking in to his mind and pulling out those buried feelings and innermost thoughts. It has helped me to understand him and what he dealt with all those years. I would never suggest that someone cope like this. It is the height of unhealthy behaviour because eventually it will explode, and it did.
We are doing really well and in a healthy place. It has taken close to seven months to get to this point, but I will say that he is much more relaxed. He is not carrying around all of this and concealing it because he feels like it is not my place to deal with his emotional baggage. He went out last night for drinks and to the casino. He texted me to let me know he would be home around 12:30. Before, I had no idea where he was or when he would be back. Our communication is the opposite of what it once was. Our two styles are different, but they play off of one another. We are still practising full disclosure. He definitely trusts me more. Of course with something legally binding, I would breathe easier, too, and be more inclined to make building trust a bit easier.
I saw my ex last weekend as it was Fashion Week. We chatted for a bit. She wants to wipe the slate clean and start our friendship over. I told her that I would let her know because I needed time. I am not the type to harbour ill feelings. The friendship would not be on the scale it once was, and I have already told him. DH's stance is still keep her away from him and our children. I have no problem being cordial towards her. Calling her a friend? I have to learn to trust her again, and that is going to take him. I have to decide if it is worth it. She seems sincerely apologetic, but anyone can put on a good act. It will take more than words. We will see. I am not making any promises or guarantees because I am not trying to cause issues in my now happy and healthy marriage. The best I will probably be able to offer is, "If I see you, I will speak." I am not going all out of my way to put her back in my inner circle and let her have access to my world again. That could be the distrust, but I am not sure. I have prayed for clarity regarding it, and I am stepping away from it.
Duckie #2 is staying with me all day. It is really nice outside and springy, so I might take him to the park later. Other than that, lazy hump day with my little prince.