is what I am experiencing right at this moment for my husband. I felt it last night while discussing with him his date today. This morning, well, it wasn't jealousy, not envy, maybe because aunt flo is visiting, I don't know I was in a funk. As I thought about it I realized it's the double standard I've been given. DH asked me what was wrong, I didn't want to discuss it, didn't want what was bothering me to change his plans (it didn't but almost did) and he pushed me to discuss.
I explained that had our roles been reversed, I'd be getting a lot of anger, flack, and so much guilt that I'd be at a point of saying "I'm done with all of it". His response was to bring up historical things I've done (prior to our choice to be poly) and I responded, "that's not fair. It's about this path we've chosen not what use to be". I do realize he's had only a few contacts from okc and this one lady, not sure to give her a name yet or not, guess it depends on how today goes, actually is interested in him. DH is not ugly, I find him very attractive and I know girls many years younger than him do too, but his self-confidence is pretty low, has been for years (not for my lack of trying...always said to him "If you're ugly, why did I marry you")? Well after getting that "double standard" off my chest, I'm good to go, back to how I felt last night.
I guess it's pretty relevant to where we are today and the fact that at the end of this month we'll be celebrating our 18th anniversary. It also, in retrospect, shows my poly tendencies.
I met DH over two years before we starting seeing each other. He was a local boy in the town I attended college. My girlfriends and I lived in the part of town called "Dog Town" and threw the best parties that even the cops left alone (we were all under 21...our first and biggest we were told as long as all the beer bottles & cans were picked up out front and the bands stopped playing, we wouldn't get a ticket...yep three girls who showed them their id's all under 21, left to keep partying). We even had a few costume parties in the summer...that night the cops drove by and kept driving.
As I've said in other places and maybe I haven't, I had a lot of lovers/one night stands, never really having many serious boyfriends beyond two weeks or so. The quirky thing is, the circle of friends DH and I hung out with, I never dated or had sex with...not sure why, guess they were "friends" that I didn't want to lose. From what DH told me, they all talked about me, but since I never gave a sign of interest, none never really hit on me except for Greg (he was drunk and sitting under at table at Adeliene's and kissed me when I bent down to check on him).
I lived alone for a few years until my best friend and I decided to move into the apartment where I got my first tattoo's (there was this traveling artist named Bobby and his pregnant girlfriend, Lee who showed up in town and stayed until her gorgeous baby was born). They lived off of his talent. And it is an awesome one at that. Both of my tat's he did, over 20 years old, look like I received them a year ago. After baby was born, they moved on and I moved in. Both my best friend and I were single and she wasn't even 21 yet. But that would change in a few months. We worked together and always worked on Friday night so we could go out on Saturdays. (We were part of that company that use to have the 30 minutes or less if not, it's free pizza place). If you live in a college town, it's a fun job to have. Did get a $50 tip once. I think it was my legs
A year later we moved since best friend had a serious boyfriend and I couldn't have my dog at the apartment anymore. We got into a bigger place and again, lots of parties were hosted by us (now of legal drinking age). In the winter early spring, I started receiving a rose a day. It was signed EXCELSIOR. I had a secret admirer. It took me over a month to finally figure out who it was (not dh) after asking every guy I knew and then some. The flower shop wouldn't tell me who it was (even though it was pretty much a stalker, not too many laws about that back then) so I had to tell them: If it is so and so, do not send them to me anymore. Guess what, it stopped. The guy was a co-worker, who stalking me. I never had to bring the authorities in on it, he actually quit and moved away. I had to talk to him, explain how I never felt anything (I never did anything with him, never flirted with him, nothing, I even took his position at work when he was demoted) for him and that he had to stop. I'd ask our boss if she could schedule us different shifts so we wouldn't have to ever see each other. At this same time, DH was turning 21.
Back to the "dog town" house. One of the first times I actually met DH, I almost hated him. He was one of those obnoxious local kids who couldn't keep his mouth shut while a friend and I were finishing up watching a movie. One of the roomies brought a group of friends over and DH was in that group. They were just rude, young and annoying and he was 19 and the biggest smart ass I've ever met (one of the
things I love about him now).
The next fall his best friend returned from Australia. Every girl on campus wanted to date Jake (name is changed). He had died blue hair, beautiful blue eyes and guess what, he asked me to go see the "Seattle Symphony" that Friday night. Nothing went anywhere with Jake aside from a good dinner and entertainment. Found out DH had told him he had a crush on me (probably also why nothing every happened with the guys in our circle of friends).
About two years later (ok, sorry, the timeline is wandering all over the place, but relevance is more important than dates) DH is 21, my best friend and her boyfriend are in a good place, we're out at The Tav, and she tells me they're going to try to have a baby. As I've said, lots of lovers, but no one serious and I had known since I was 18, when my first niece was born, that I wanted children. On this night, it hit me, I want a baby too, but I don't want to be tied down to any one. I don't want a husband, probably not even a serious boyfriend. I love my independence, I love my world that I can come and go as I please without being obligated to any one. I wanted my adult life to be with a mate, but still separate yet equal...our own bedrooms etc. And I thought to myself: That's it, I'm going to find me a sperm donor tonight (okay, I was little tipsy, not outright shit faced drunk but not sober either). That evening I evaluated every man in the bar: blue eyes, blond hair, big lips (I have little tiny lips-my kid would need some help there) and a nice ass. As I return back to the pool tables, there is DH, shooting pool. I walk up to him and say:
me: "Would you donate me your sperm"?
him: "No but we could practice at it".
The second he said those words...a tingle, that wetness a female gets from getting turned on, coursed through me...I wanted this man, I said to myself.