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Old 09-10-2013, 06:18 PM
london london is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635

If he's not ready for me to stay overnight with a bf, I simply don't do it.
This is probably because you privilege your marriage over all other relationships. What your boyfriend wants is irrelevant, you do what your husband wants you to. Your needs are even secondary to his.

And if I need periodic text updates, or a phonecall at some point, or any other security blanket, he does it
I think we are all open to help our partners through their little wobbles with things like check ins. The difference with lots of us is that we are not prepared to treat someone else unfairly to help our partner deal with a relationship style they consented to. That's part of being ethical.

I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own.
That's because you are happy to treat other people badly to maintain your marriage. You believe that regardless of the commitment and obligation your husband has developed with someone else, your feelings should always come first, and if that means interrupting his date with his girlfriend because you feel lonely or sad, so be it. He is your husband, she is just borrowing him, right?

Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you
If you truly feel that your relationship is invalidated and threatened by polyamory. If you feel that your partner will replace you with someone else. If you feel that you want your partner to reserve romantic love and affection for you alone. If you don't want things like overnights with other people to be a part of your relationship, then be monogamous or swing or something. You see, polyamory is about having multiple romantic relationships - loving more than one person - it's about having girlfriends, wives, husbands, boyfriends, friends with benefits - all plural. Guess what? Girlfriends and boyfriends like to spend the night together when possible. They like to wake up in each other's arms. Fuck in the morning. Take a shower together. Fuck again. Have breakfast together. And when you agree to polyamory, you are agreeing your partner having that sort of emotional availability with other people. That is what you are consenting to. If you continually struggle with that, stop. Don't try and shrink your brain until that little part of it dies off and you become immune to it. Stop.

You're entitled to feel bad and lonely and jealous. A lot of people would.
No actaully. I think a lot of people who are suited to polyamory might be like "damn, what do I do when I'm alone again", but they wouldn't inherently feel "bad, lonely and jealous". If my relationship style made me feel that negative, I wouldn't be in it.
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